My phone sends a weekly report which quantifies just how addicted I am to my phone. Reports usually read something like, “You spent seven hours/day on your phone this week,” which should be a wake-up call, but I can rationalize them too easily. I tell myself, “I use my phone for work sometimes and for writing.”

I need my phone to be more direct with me, more ruthless. I need alerts like the following.

  • You downloaded DuoLingo on January 1st. You ambitiously signed up to learn Spanish, German, and Mandarin. You have since opened the app zero times.
  • You spent three hours this week playing Angry Birds 2 in the shower. May we suggest Better Help today?
  • You engaged with 85% of your Instagram feed’s personalized ads. You are a sheep.
  • You Apple Mapped the route to a restaurant that you have been to 23 times.
  • Your battery hovered around 17% all weekend. We will send you a charger for free if you just promise to get your life together.
  • You Googled “air fry grill cheese possible for beginners?” For beginners?
  • 43% of your Tweets are deleted within one hour. Will you stand by your word for once in your life?
  • You ended a phone call with “buh-bye.” That was quite a choice.
  • You scrolled your own Instagram profile for three hours last week. You will never get that time back.
  • You used an incognito tab to search, “How old are the Teletubbies?” Why?
  • You are still paying $7.99/month for BetterMyBod Fitness+ App despite not having opened it since 2018.
  • You hit snooze on your alarm more times than you texted “I love you” to your wife.
  • You asked Siri, “How to check if I’ve ever tweeted a racial slur.” Seems odd that you wouldn’t remember something like that.
  • Why did you set an alarm for 2:37 p.m. on Monday? Were you taking a nap?
  • Based on your geographic data, your state legalized sports betting only two days ago. You have deposited $350 from a new bank account. Does your wife know about this? Please tell me you don’t have a secret bank account.
  • You use your calculator app 122% more than the average user. 12 x 5 = 60. Just memorize it, dude.
  • You’ve been spending a little too much time on conspiracy theory YouTube research for our liking. And what’s with all these calls to “Uncle Kev.” What are you two geniuses cooking up?
  • Your family has a group chat without you.
  • They send screenshots of your texts and absolutely flame your dumb ass.
  • You’ve been overusing the exclamation point. It’s embarrassing and people are definitely noticing. They find it off-putting. Just play it cool.
  • You have four sets of shirtless, bathroom mirror selfies spread out over three years in a folder titled “Before.” Where’s the “after,” man? It’s been three years.
  • You used Snapchat for one hour this week, which is one hour more than someone in their late 20s should reasonably be spending on Snapchat. Grow up.
  • Stop browsing Zillow. You can’t afford a house and it’s making us sad to think you still have hope. Some people are just apartment people, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
  • You haven’t called your mom in eight weeks.
  • You’re averaging 20 hours/week on the ESPN Fantasy Football app. In a 16-week season, you will have spent 320 hours managing a team that’s just pretend. If you win (unlikely), you’ll get $500. That is $1.56/hour. Just saying.
  • Most people archive cherished memories with loved ones, but not you. You’ve really prioritized 82% of your iCloud photo storage for obscure memes and failed attempts to photograph the moon.