Thank you for calling the office of Dr. Scott Fieldson. Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed, and also I have a new screenplay idea.

For new patients, let me tell you about the opening scene. We fade in on a beach, sand caked with blood being washed away by the waves! The year? Three thousand and two.

Sorry, pressing zero to speak to a representative is not a valid response, and hurts my feelings as an artist.

I will tell you the number to press to speak with a representative only after you hear more about this screenplay. We see our protagonist Jason Pike, played by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson if he’s available, make his way across the beach. He is handsome but in a rugged way.

Sorry, three is not the correct number for appointments. Please listen, as my screenplay idea is Oscar-worthy and I’m looking for investors.

If you have any ties to Hollywood, please press four. Keep in mind that if you are connected to the industry and do not invest, I will assume you are a nepo-baby, and no one wants to be called that nowadays. If you are a nepo-baby, please press five and your bank account will automatically deduct the amount of money I need to get a director of photography.

Before pressing another button, please listen to my plot, as it has recently changed. Jason reaches the waves and sheds a single tear. He is not afraid to show emotion, because toxic masculinity no longer exists in the year three thousand and two. Even though he was sent from the past to save the future from the aliens of the galaxy Praxion.

As a reward for listening, you may make your appointment by pressing five. See, that wasn’t so hard.

For patients under the age of 18, please press two.

Good, now that I know you’re an adult, I can tell you the more racy parts of this screenplay. Jason sees his lover, Sheema. Sheema is a rebel alien and looks like a human but with four breasts, all bracing naked against the ocean wind. There is a long close-up of her breasts, and it is important that all four are lifelike and buoyant.

Sorry, pressing zero is not getting you anywhere. You must listen to all the options before selecting. Namely, the options for the title of this screenplay, because I’m not sure which to pick. For Legends of the Great Gate, press one. For Images of Pain and Future Past, press two. For 3002: A Beach Odyssey press three.

Really, you pressed two? I was thinking of picking the first one. To change your mind, press the pound key. Please keep in mind that Jason and Sheema, the four-breasted alien who is beautiful but doesn’t know it, must make their way to the Great Gate to retrieve the Orb of Power.

If you know Steven Soderbergh, my ideal director, please press six. If you are Steven Soderbergh, please press four.

If you would like to see my pitch deck, please press eight. If you would not like to see my pitch deck, I will be sending it to you anyways, along with a note from a medical debt collection agency. If you are calling about existing medical debt, please press two and you will be redirected to someone with money to help get the word out about my film.

Sorry, if you press zero to speak to a representative one more time, I will erase your medical records. I doubt you knew I had that kind of authority, but much like Jason once he kills Sheema to retrieve the Orb of Power, I can do whatever I like.

You have pressed two, which seems like a random choice to get out of listening to my screenplay idea. Sorry, you don’t appreciate culture. But perhaps you appreciate business. Which is why pressing two will bring you to my marketing pitch.

Dr. Scott Fieldson has recently retired, but to make an appointment with another doctor in the practice, please go to our new online patient portal at