Merry Christmas from the Nelsons! We’ve had quite a year and wanted to share our highlights from 2023!

My wonderful husband got a promotion! He’s officially a Senior Accounts Accountant, and we are so proud of him. He also introduced the family to the McRib sandwich from McDonalds, which is back for a limited time only at select locations. He's always been an adventurous eater, and while we were skeptical at first, the McRib has quickly become a family favorite.

Johnny is working hard in 4th grade. His teachers say he’s a pleasure to have in class, and they are paying such close attention, they even have thoughts on his diet: “We’ve noticed he’s been eating nothing but the McRib sandwich for lunch every day for weeks.”

Yeah and? Don’t worry about my son. He’s doing just fine.

His pediatrician says he’s in the 99th percentile for cholesterol in 4th graders. He’s gained 65 pounds and is starting to get unofficial offers from Division 3 football programs. So yeah, I think we know how to feed our Johnny boy.

Just goes to show you what 520 calories and 24 grams of protein per sandwich can do for your kids.

Bonnie is now 13 and we could not be prouder of the woman she is becoming. She had some issues with a school bully, but she has really turned things around. As the family McRib consumption skyrocketed, Bonnie started to smell of rib sauce. Whenever she’d enter a room, some snot-brained imp in her class would yell, “Smells like the McRib is back!” due to her stench.

I tried to reassure her that boys only make fun of the McRib if they secretly like it. We decided it was in her best interest to switch schools, but she’s doing great and even won an essay contest!

The kids don’t even want birthday cake anymore. Every birthday they ask for the McRake (a Johnson family original). I thought I’d share the recipe here!

  • Line a 13×9 inch pan with 10-12 McRib patties and douse it in just a splash of sauce—four or five gallons should do the trick. McDonalds says they can’t sell the sauce separately, but I know for a fact you can get a 64-ounce jug if you’re willing to go to war with the 22-year-old branch manager.
  • Next add a layer of onions, pickles, and top it off with a final layer of patty.
  • Dust with parmesan (optional) and serve chilled.

It’s delicious and has made for our tastiest family tradition yet.

Lonnie finished his first semester of college, and like all college students, he has become something of a liberal! Get a B- in one “Intro to Psychology” class, and suddenly you’re qualified to diagnose your own family with being “addicted to the McRib” and “sweating McRib sauce through your shirt. I’m worried about you guys.”

He is all about meal prep and saying the McRib doesn’t align with his macros—college kids go through the funniest phases! We’re all sure that soon he’ll realize the McRib can be deconstructed to comply with any diet. I went keto for a couple weeks and all I had to do was stop eating the homestyle bun.

But for now, we’re happy he’s exploring new things.

Grandma moved in with us and it has been a real treat having her around. No one loves the McRib quite like our Grammy! When her health took a turn for the worse in April, the only thing that could lift her spirits was the lukewarm mystery meat slab drenched in a surprisingly viscous imitation barbecue sauce.

It sounds crazy, but the McRib contains healing properties. Apparently the sodium benzoate can treat late-stage kidney disease. The doctor said he’s never seen anything like it. She hasn’t gone in for dialysis in months and if she’s feeling down, she just slops down one-fourth of her daily calories in the shape of a pork-style protein sandwich from one of the world’s most recognizable fast food brands.

The doctor expects her to live another 100 years!

Francine, the family fish, has gained 15 pounds. It kinda just lives in our bathtub now. That just goes to show how much your pets can thrive if you love them extra hard and also feed them a steady diet of dehydrated McRib.

Francine has seemingly developed lungs and is starting to jump out of the tank and flop around on land for a bit. She’s talking too, but not in English. It sounds almost like Latin. You know in the movies, when someone gets possessed by a demon and their mouth is moving, but you know the voice is coming from some other entity entirely? It’s quite the conversation starter at parties!

Well, that was our 2023! We can’t wait to see you all for Christmas dinner. This is the one day a year that we get to bring our entire family together to break bread, textured meat puck, slivered onions, and artificially colored pickles.

I’ll be bringing a side, and while I don’t want to spoil the surprise, I think everyone will be lovin’ it.

Merry Christmas,

The Nelsons