Knock knock! It’s me, the one stable adult in your life. Your bedroom door is closed and you know we have a household rule against that. So please know that I’m saying this from a place of love. I swear to God you kids better not be doing anything supernatural in there.

Look, I get it. I was young once too. It might not seem like it, but it’s not that long ago I was sneaking out with my friends to explore cursed mansions, using a mysterious tome to communicate with the dead, or trying to fight a poltergeist with something stupid like a kitchen knife. I know what it’s like. You’re young, your hormones are raging. All you want to do is figure out what the shadowy figure following you through mirrors is saying.

But trust me when I say it’s not worth it! You DO NOT want to experiment with the supernatural.

I don’t like to talk about this a lot but when I was a kid my friends and I were hunting a demon that only showed up in our dreams. It was all fun and games until one of my friends got eaten by his own bed. His bed! That’s the kind of life you’re signing up for when you start to experiment with the supernatural. Even a little bit of contact can derail your entire life and leave impossible-to-remove stains on your sheets. And not for cool reasons either.

And sure, maybe you’ll survive and become the final girl or whatever. But is that really so good? Everyone you care about will be dead, and anyone left alive definitely won’t believe you—not until the next movie in the franchise anyway, and by then it will be too late.

Also you have to commit to this stuffed-up-narc act the whole movie which seems very stifling for a young person to maintain.

No, that’s not the future I want for you kids. Not at all. I want you to be background extras at best. And not the kind that are featured for a few minutes just to die later in the movie to show everyone else how the evil entity works. Absolutely not, I forbid it!

I know this all may sound harsh, but I want you to know I’m here for you. You can talk to me about your paranormal problems. As the one stable adult in your life, I have a vested interest in this. If you bring a supernatural entity into this house do you know who is going to have to come clean up your mangled corpses after being frustratingly checked out the entire movie? Me, that’s who.

And, I get it. Adults need to work on their active listening skills. Like if a kid is asking for directions to Camp Crystal Lake, grownups need to calmly explain what the dangers are and why the kid should stay away from there, instead of just screaming something cryptic and running away.

It’s a two-way street and I know that with open communication we can mitigate the risks of the paranormal, together. As a family.

So I’m going to come in. And I better not see any flickering candles, Ouija Boards, or mysterious arcana around your room.

I’m going to be honest, I haven’t seen the cat all day. I swear to God you kids better not have let it get eaten by a shadow beast or something weird. I cannot STAND it when the pet dies in horror movies.

And look, I know your crush is in there. If you’re trying to solve some paranormal mystery together instead of flirting? You’re SO grounded.

Oh wait– You’re just doing drugs/having premarital sex? Good! I got worried there for a second.