Instructor: Uncle Steve
Instructor Qualifications: He’s your dad’s brother’s friend’s cousin or something. It don’t matter. He’s got a running vehicle, he ain’t in jail right now, and he don’t work. He ain’t one of them perverts neither.
Vehicle: Maroon 1993 Toyota Camry with stick shift, manual roll-down windows, duct tape over the back left window, missing right side mirror, and 280,000 miles
Contact Information: N/A, ask your dad/stepdad to pass something along
Office Hours & Location: Unknown
Class Time & Location: Wendy’s parking lot, 3:30 PM. Classes should wrap up around supper time.
- Double Baconator with large fry OR
- Pack of cigs (Camel preferred) OR
- 6-pack of Miller Lite
*New payment must be brought to each class and given to Uncle Steve
Essential Viewing Materials:
- Need for Speed (2014)
- Fast and Furious 1-12
- Taxi (1998)
- Dukes of Hazzard (1979)
- Mad Max (1979)
- Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)
- The Bourne Identity (2002)
- The Bourne Supremacy (2004)
- The Bourne Ultimatum (2007)
In this course, Uncle Steve will be teaching you the basics of driving an automobile in the most offensive way possible. This course had been specifically tailored to suit young drivers and others new to the world of operating heavy-duty four-wheeled motorized machinery. Most students over the age of 15 will have a learner’s driving permit, but Uncle Steve don’t discriminate and will accept students with or without a driver’s license or permit as young as age 12.
This course contains ten days of learning material. This material will be taught in any order Uncle Steve feels like, but a general course schedule has been provided. It may take one week or several months for Uncle Steve to cover all of the material depending on his and your availability. Uncle Steve reserves the right to deviate from scheduled material.
By the end of the course, students should have learned the basics of operating a vehicle and driving on many different kinds of roads, but Uncle Steve makes no promises.
See course schedule below for covered topics. No certification will be provided upon course completion.
Day 1: Introduction to Uncle Steve & Operating a Stick 101
Notable Quote: “Pop the clutch. Hey, ya wanna cig?”
Day 2: Handling Run Ins with the Law & Crash Course in DUI
Notable Quotes: “DUI means Do the Unexpected, Idiot. Just don’t let the cops catch you. Ditch the damn car if you have to,” and “Open container laws? Never heard of ‘em.”
Day 3: Parking, Idling, and Getting Gas
Notable Quote: “I’m just gonna run in here right quick.”
Day 4: Speed Limits: Optional & Identifying Road Signs to Steal Later
Notable Quote: “Who goes first at a 4-way stop? You. Always.”
Day 5: Highways & Backroads: A Playground
Notable Quotes: “The government don’t want you to know about the aliens,” and “Don’t touch my radio.”
Day 6: Tailgating 101 & Break Checking for Dummies
Notable Quote: “Defensive driving is for women, Democrats, and gays.”
Day 7: The Art of Flipping People Off
Notable Quote: “Sometimes the Bird ain’t enough. Imma show you this thing called the Eagle.”
Day 8: Beat the Light and Other Times to Gun It
Notable Quote: “Get that damn squirrel!”
Day 9: Creative Slurs & Discovering the Car Horn
Notable Quote: “Did you see what that @%&$#@ just did? That’s why them people shouldn’t drive.”
Day 10: The Course in Review
Notable Quote: “You need a fake ID? Cause I can help you get one.”
Insurance Information & Damage Policy:
Uncle Steve believes insurance is a scam so he don’t got any. If you put a scratch on his car, you’ll spend every weekend from now until Christmas buffing it out. If you get in an accident, that’s on you. You will pay Uncle Steve back with packs of Camels until you have paid off the equivalent of the damaged incurred on his personal vehicle.
Drug & Personal Item Policy:
Smoking is permitted and encouraged in the vehicle. Everything in the provided vehicle belongs to Uncle Steve. Anything he does with the items and consumables in his car is Uncle Steve’s business. You are not permitted to take any of Uncle Steve’s items or leave any items in his car. Uncle Steve reserves the right to kick your ass if you touch or take any of his things.
If Uncle Steve should be incarcerated while you are taking his course, you’re shit out of luck. You may inquire at the front office of the local jail regarding Uncle Steve’s release date, but course continuation is not guaranteed. You are free to complete your studies with another instructor should Uncle Steve become incarcerated, go missing, or die.
You best behave yourself and do what Uncle Steve says when he say it. He don’t like no snitches or goody-two-shoes. You ain’t better than him. You oughta be grateful he letting you practice learning how to drive in his car. He ain’t got to teach you nothing.
Uncle Steve would really appreciate you giving his driving school, barbeque sauce, and woodworking businesses positive Yelp reviews. Good people give good reviews. God bless.