Honestly, this might be a blessing in disguise. He included this whole “Avengers Assemble”-style roll call with the Founding Fathers that is so sick.
Each employee should onboard a child for photos. Be discerning in your selection. Children who look both winsome and unmistakably aligned with our hunger initiative are ideal.
At the hotel, I’m told I cannot pay for my room with Duolingo gems, even after I show them I have over 1,800.
Having never really engaged with the source material, I’m looking forward to seeing "The Odyssey" with fresh eyes.
After last year’s summer get-together dinner, and the not-so-fun harassment lawsuit with Dave and Buster’s staff, we’ve decided to make this a sober event.
You have decided to watch “London Has Fallen.” “London Has Fallen” is not “The Rainmaker.” I recommend you watch “The Rainmaker.”
Do you want to wear a neck brace every day for the rest of your life? My wife filed for divorce because she couldn’t stand to be seen with me.
I never saw myself as a Hamptons person. I also never saw myself at the center of a scandal on a Bravo reality show, but here we are.
Look at all of us, using email emulators to conduct official faire business!
I require 10 minutes of uninterrupted eye contact so I can absorb your aura and determine what kind of personalized sandwich art to create for you.
What do you get a man who already has everything, including three other children who live in a nice neighborhood and are allowed to use his last name?
We noticed you’re attempting to exit the burning building. Nice choice! Unfortunately, emergency exits are not included in your current plan.
Based on my literature review of opening my eyes in public, everyone is afraid to get some mud under their fingernails and quality of life is one foot in the junkyard.
Substack might have more than 35 million active submissives on their platform, but we do things a little differently around here.
It’s better to start with the minnows and then move on to the whales. Tricking an employee to divulge secrets is easier than tricking the CEO.
The administrators of wikiFeet, a group of men who refer to ourselves as the “Dukes of wikiFeet,” pledge to stomp out any generative little piggies whenever they appear.
Ashley, when I work with you, I feel like I’m on a never-ending Personal Improvement Plan.
I now know that when you pulled that shot, you were thinking about the mouthfeel and terroir of my coffee experience.
We will not allow the men to firelight us into believing we are too emotional when our toddlers leave on their first hunts.
I just can't imagine my grandfather, or his grandfather, facing this kind of uphill battle when starting their Suits rewatch podcasts.
ATTN: DYNAMITE FOUND IN CAVE. COME GET YOURSELF A CRATE.
No need to buy anything for Brayden. You certainly don't know Brayden well enough to know that he's longing for a Mandalorian LEGO set.
Hannah has mostly been good company, except for repeatedly suggesting that she and my son might want to do a few things on their own.
Hey, Officer, don’t look so worried. I’m the best there is. I advised Al Pacino on how to shout “somebody get help” in "Heat."
Sometimes we missed the real world, so we would use the payphone to call our agents, managers, and publicists with the spare change they’d given us.
Oh, I would hardly call what you saw "nudity" or "pornographic movements."
Chef Roberts was trying to open the new tuna can, and his thumb got stuck in the ring.
This was the first time I felt like I was witnessing something I shouldn't be seeing.
Funeral guests will be in mourning garb, as will most of the paranormal experience attendees, so you will need to confirm the purpose of the visit.
12:00 P.M.: School, I guess? Who knows.
Studies show hex recipients can lose 6-98% of their body weight, with some dropping as much as one pound every hour.
How young will Uncle Jeff’s uninvited date be?
Go back three spaces; you left your ID at the venue. / You inherit $130 worth of vinyl records.
Whatever your intolerable situation is, you’ve rightly decided to take a nice long coma until it all blows over.
While everyone is looking at your waving hand, use your other hand to reach into your pocket for the smoke pellet you keep for situations like this.
And if you don’t, let’s just say we have ways to make you like the way you look. I fucking guarantee it.
It seems obvious that this tool for organizing a multicultural liberal democracy would be perfect for organizing a short vacation for a group of friends who’ve slowly drifted apart since college.
The Magna Carta was signed in 1215. Mind you, this was before cell phones, so King John couldn’t Docusign from home while wearing his best pair of sweats.
What else was I supposed to do, take practical steps to be a better father and husband? Who has the time for that?
I haven’t felt this confident since that first draft, which I dashed off when Bush the First was elected president.
Occasions perfect for: Simultaneously filling out a HIPPA release form, power of attorney, and a third copy of the field trip permission slip your kid keeps forgetting to turn in.
With this card, you will still enjoy the same tiers of service with our travel partners, but with updated levels of service to keep up with current trends in wealth disparity.
Time to move my body! Right now I’m super into Body by Hephaestus, which is power yoga while wearing a weighted tactical vest in a 140-degree room.
Cats that watch videos of birds are more likely to get feline dementia than cats who go outside and see real birds. It’s true.
Gotta be those great New York fish. You seen these fish? New York fish have chutzpah. They've seen it all.
No one asked for this, but they never said we couldn’t do it either. It just seemed like something the world needed.
Nestled at the convergence of uh-oh and Jesus take the wheel, Rock Bottom offers a transformative environment unlike anything you've experienced before.
Giving up remote work to spend five days in-office was softened knowing that I could have my dogs out, unleashed and uninhibited, just like at home.
I’m not blaming. I erred as much as anyone, and forgetting my gun at home probably should have been enough to reschedule the whole heist in the first place.
What exactly did we change about our Regular Beef to make it Protein Beef? Well, you can’t argue with the fact that the names are different!
The color depicted stone tools, harpoons, and tears from assistants spilling searing hot Starbucks.
It all started last week when I dropped off Coco at the rec center for practice. As I was leaving, the ball rolled in my direction.
ONE hat per person—five chic Homburgs stylishly stacked on top of each other do NOT count as one.
I’m working on my novel and have come to realize, after I glimpsed my spirited reflection in the window, that I go full Method acting when it comes to crafting my characters.
Xarkax denied us our pre-scheduled lunch break, citing breaching the castle walls as the main priority. Just because we do not have the biological need to eat does not mean we do not appreciate an allotted time to socialize.
Not one of you has had to pelt us with birdseed to send us off on a week-long Belizean sexfest. We’ll settle for a fancy waste receptacle.
And nothing says “you’re in a safe space” like warm water, the hum of the exhaust fan, and my decrepit bottles of Selsun Blue Medicated Maximum Strength Anti-Dandruff Shampoo.
What is the schedule for the weekly emptying of the communal slop bucket---do we each take turns?
Parenting You has left us with many core competencies that translate perfectly in the AI sphere.
Hey, does anyone have an EpiPen?
Let me explain how my bespoke packages can help you make your colonoscopy not merely a procedure, but a celebration.
The often overlooked “Constitution State” is not just a connecting strip between New York and Boston.
No one from the board of directors or human resources can accuse me of gross negligence while I’m taking a peaceful carriage ride.
Don’t get me wrong, the being rich part is great. Unfortunately, my fridge blends into the kitchen’s design too well.
I know you are all about fighting with honor, much in the same way the NBA is all about the integrity of the game.
I pull an Oreo out of my pocket, smash it with both hands, and shout a zinger that leads to a standing ovation.
But we do maintain strict adherence to Rome’s Four Cardinal Virtues: Stoicism, Beauty, Justice, and the most important one of all—Orgies.
Somewhere we don’t have to think about all these people staring at us and deciding whether I’m “guilty” or “innocent.”
The boss is really hounding me for that report on the differences between prokaryotic and eukaryotic cells.
We noticed in your period tracking app that you’ve missed two months in a row, so we assume that you’re pregnant.
I’ve developed a ranking system reducing their performance into a simple number: Progeny Plus-Minus (PPM).
Depending on who you ask, this flashing neon sign either depicts two pelicans frolicking or fornicating. The choice is yours!
Static cracked between the two big sort of metal pole things with a bauble on top, sort of like a butterfly net for lightning I think.
NOW HIRING: Pest Control Specialist / Wearer of Big-Ass Doc Martens
If joint return, spouse’s first name and middle initial: N/A (I brew my own kombucha)
Big feelings are really normal when you spend so much time investigating stakeholder demographics.
Third Post-it, covering Doris completely: “This company will not succeed if I’m not allowed to operate at peak performance.”
I wanted to feel ready when our son arrived, but nothing prepares you for the real thing, or the sinkholes.
I meet all the requirements for the job, most of which are not listed in the job posting.
They gasp at how you ran for an hour and twenty six minutes at 6:14 P.M. on Tuesday. “She didn’t take any breaks?” they exclaim.
I will always remember my purpose as a pretend physician: to treat the sick. I must also remind the patient of this by whispering into their mouth, “You’re sick.”
Join us for an intimate five-hour journey with our tasting menu that changes seasonally, while our bathroom policy does not.
You'll notice there's just one light bulb in this 3-pack of light bulbs. That's the point. Ask yourself: Do you see two missing, or one remaining?
Look up “detoxifying.” And “curl pattern.” And “Keri Russell in Felicity,” before she cut her hair, just so you have an unattainable ideal.
No, son. That is magic as speaking it will hurl back any unclean shades which try to approach you.
How will you endure the ancient ritual of the Office Birthday—standing motionless while colleagues sing at you and maintain eye contact?
NASA is almost certain that none of you are werewolves. However, to ensure the safety of our new lunar missions, we must consider every eventuality.
If you do go out, you’ll immediately start thinking about when you can leave. If you don’t go out, you’ll immediately start wishing you had.
If You’re Reading This, You’re Paying More Attention To The Road Than I Am
Who’s a good boy? Who’s a precious lil pup? Yes you are! Yes you are! Hmm, oh, yes, Mark, hello. Sorry, I was just saying hi to your dog Pepper.
Call me desensitized, but the only thing that really keeps me tapped in for My Favorite Celebrity is to see them risk it all—day after day, for months on end.
I urgently need your help after my latest extravagant shindig has left my estate in shambles. Look here, old sports.
"Existential Risk": You testified before Congress that this technology could end humanity. You also had a product launch that Thursday and it went great.
A Nebraskan tire center I used once on a road trip seven years ago: We’re feeling a little deflated today, and wheel miss you as a valued customer.
What makes the spills so frequent, the meets so cute? Is it the cheap, lopsided mugs?
What, because I talk funny? Because I called your saloon a coworking pod? Because I palo santoed your game of Texas hold ‘em?
The high school cafeteria comes into surreal focus.... Excellent! Loved high school!
“Oh. Well, I could try to grow a beard?” the Beast offers. “It’s just that it usually comes in kind of patchy."
May strategists be with you and bless you, May you see your children’s children become nepo babies.
Let’s call it a reverse Turing Test designed to plumb the depths of human stupidity.