Welcome to 831 Merchant Street!

To the unknowing eye, there are items I’ve left behind that appear to be “junk.” Let me assure you, they are not.

3-pack of light bulbs (kitchen cabinet)

You’ll notice there’s just one light bulb in this 3-pack of light bulbs. That’s the point. Ask yourself: Do you see two missing, or one remaining? This pliable sense of perception will be important moving forward.

Doorknob (living room closet)

Legend goes that the builder of 831 Merchant, a sea captain named Henry Polanski, purchased one too many doorknobs during construction—but a doorknob has never needed to be replaced. Passed down through generations of tenants, this doorknob has become an heirloom, a good luck charm—or perhaps a Monkey’s Paw. You can toss it out, but you may awaken dark forces.

Gently used bar of soap (bathroom shower)

It is vital to ceremoniously use this bar of soap for your first shower. Only after you use this soap, which has also connected with my physical body, will I be deemed cleansed of this apartment in the eyes of Captain Henry Polanski. (TIP: If you sing a sea shanty in the shower, the bathroom will be filled with the ominous presence of Polanski’s crew!)

Thumbtacks (scattered)

As a tenant of 831 Merchant Street, it is critical to maintain an aura of positivity. That’s why I’ve randomly dispersed (re: hidden!) clear, plastic thumbtacks throughout the apartment to pin up inspirational quotes and self-affirming mantras. If you happen to draw blood, use it to finger-paint an anchor on the outside of the apartment door.

Coffee mug with my face on it (kitchen counter)

A little reminder of me! I believe life is about these little human connections. That includes connecting with the celestial energy radiating throughout this apartment. To maintain good favor, fill this coffee mug with whiskey and place it on the living room mantle every Sunday at the stroke of midnight. Not 11:59. Not 12:01. MIDNIGHT.

Goat skull (back patio)

An absolute must-have for pagan rituals of all kinds, if you’re into that. If not, I’d actually love this back.

Bundle of sage (bedroom windowsill)

IMPORTANT: Light this immediately and walk the entire apartment. Full disclosure: I’m new to practicing Wicca, and unfortunately there are no “do overs.” The sage will not help with the salty sea smell that permeates the apartment, but may mitigate lingering feelings of fear and paranoia experienced by previous tenants.

Enjoy your new home! Remember to honor the lives of those who lived here before you. However, do not summon the ghost of Captain Henry Polanski (unless you really know your stuff), and definitely do not Google, “Polanski crew mutiny 1898”.

Also, I lost the mailbox key during the move. You’ll have to ask the landlord for a new one.