Welcome, everyone! We’re so glad you were able to join us at our “What is Forum?” prospective member mingle.

At Forum we believe that a community rooted in the values of Ancient Rome can help us live more virtuous and harmonious lives in the present. Don’t get us wrong: not everything about ancient Rome was worthy of emulation. Slavery? Awful. Vomitoriums? Disgusting. Imperial conquest? Who has the time?

But we do maintain strict adherence to Rome’s Four Cardinal Virtues: Stoicism, Beauty, Justice, and the most important one of all—Orgies.

That’s right—orgies, baby! Crazy, toga-wearin’, ruttin’-around-like-temple-nymphs, holy-shit-is-that-your-arm-or-your-leg, old-school, wet-and-wild, Roman orgies. Orgies are our number one virtue, and it’s not even close. If we’re being honest, sometimes we don’t even remember the others. Is honesty one of the virtues? Who knows!

We have had some pushback on whether or not orgies should be considered a “virtue.” To those who say no, all we can say is: you’re doing it wrong! In all seriousness, we’re so happy you’re here today. Especially you in the red shirt.

Now, we’ll walk you through how each virtue informs our daily lives. Let’s start with Stoicism. Marcus Aurelius wrote, “You have power over your mind, not outside events.” What he probably meant was you can’t control who your partner chooses during the lunch orgy, but you can control how you feel about it. We try not to let jealousy influence us, but we understand it can be difficult for new community members to come to terms with how freakin’ ripped Kurt is.

Which brings us to our next virtue: Beauty. By now you’ve probably noticed that the assembled community members are hot as hell. We can show you the paperwork later, but trust us: we are all certified baddies.

The great thing about being a private community is that we’re allowed to discriminate. But we don’t take that power lightly. We’d never discriminate based on race, gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, nationality, religion, or anything like that—just no uggos.

When we bang, which happens a mandatory three times a day (plus an optional but encouraged eleven more), it’s like a poem coming to life. We are beautiful. And if you’re beautiful, too, we’d like to have sex with you (lookin’ at you, Red Shirt).

The Romans knew that beauty, in all of its fleeting, ineffable glory, could bring Man closer to the divine. Or something like that. Honestly, we’re not totally sure what they thought, but we do know they looked sexy as hell in those robes. Oh also, robes are required. You’re welcome.

Next up is Justice. Here’s where things get tricky. The Romans blessed us with a highly advanced legal system, and many of those tenets shape the practice of law to this day (show me the body, am I right?). And we do believe the rule of law is sacrosanct. The only thorny part is that we’re all married to each other, and the U.S. government, despite its Roman-lookin’ buildings, isn’t cool with plural marriage. Buncha puritanical hypocrites.

But thanks to our very clever and unbelievably hot legal team, we have found a workaround. You probably thought Forum was a physical location, but you’d be wrong. It’s actually ten physical locations. To be precise, it’s ten semitrucks, full of mattresses, that are constantly in motion, never in one jurisdiction long enough to be caught. We can’t be accused of human trafficking if we’re not fully human; another shoutout to the team for getting us legally recognized as animals. That was huge. Or should I say… meow?

To be crystal clear: our community is ten mobile orgy trucks. We do our best with the other virtues, but the main deal is orgies. We just want to be straight up with you. You should also know that we are launching a capital campaign for an eleventh truck, but that will be discussed in detail at next month’s truck-stop meetup/superorgy (bring your own robe).

If you’re ready to take the Forum plunge, sign on the dotted line and get ready for a life of stoicism, truck orgies, and ongoing R.I.C.O. investigations.

Also, it’s $80,000.

Questions?