Listen ref, I know we’re short one player, but the last thing the team wants to do is forfeit the game, so I was thinking that maybe I could suit up. That’s right, a man wants to play dog basketball.

I know it sounds crazy, but if you check the recreational dog basketball league guidebook, there’s no rule specifically preventing humans from playing.

What makes me even think I can hang with the big dogs? I’m glad you asked. It all started last week when I dropped off Coco at the rec center for practice. As I was leaving, the ball rolled in my direction. I’m not sure what came over me, but instead of rolling it back, I decided to take a shot. And wouldn’t you know… the ball went in.

Trust me, I was just as shocked as everyone else on the court. I thought it might be a fluke, you know, beginner’s luck. Pepper, our starting center, he rolls it back to me and I take another shot. And I make another basket. So, I drop my suitcase, call the boss to tell him to start the meeting without me, and I start hooping with the team.

It’s true, ask anyone—Scout or Luna or Daisy—they’ll all back me up. Well, maybe not Daisy, she was spending most of the scrimmage gnawing at her hot spot.

Now, I’ll admit, I was a bit rusty at first, especially compared to the other players. I mean, those dogs have the benefit of—what is it now—14 or 20 seasons together (in dog-seasons, of course). Their chemistry is unrivaled, but I must say, I was holding my own. By the end of the scrimmage, I felt like I was more basketball-playing-dog than man.

You probably have a lot of questions, like, how exactly can I shoot and dribble if I don’t have a snout. Well, instead of shooting with a snout, I shoot with my hands.

I knew you wouldn’t believe me. Allow me to demonstrate. Watch….

There you go! It’s just that easy. I know it looks a bit silly, but I find this method better suited for my abilities. Yes, I know I need a uniform. I was able to make up this special human basketball jersey. See? Now even you have to admit, I look pretty darn adorable.

No, I just have the one pair of basketball shoes. I was thinking I would play on my feet, instead of on all fours like everyone else. I don’t care how ridiculous I look; I’m willing to do whatever it takes for this team!

Come on ref, we’re desperate. Our starting point guard is out with ringworm, and our small forward got into the chocolate again. I deserve the same treatment as any dog. I’m well-behaved, I listen to commands, I’m housebroken. And my flea problem is almost under control. All I’m asking is you give me a chance, ref. I know I can do it. I mean, it’s not like I’m trying to play dog lacrosse. That’d just be nuts.