Summer’s coming and it’s time to go to the beach! But, wait! Did you forget to make reservations at that “popular” beach town and now everything there is booked? Is your spouse giving you the silent treatment because you didn’t plan ahead again? Are your three children crying on the floor because they won’t see the “blue wawa” like last summer? It’s time to turn your procrastination failure into vacation success!

Welcome to Costal Bay Beach—Not Your Second Best Beach Choice, Your Best Second Beach Choice!

Getting to CBB is easy! Just take Exit 13 off Interstate 2 at the legendary “Welcome to Costal Bay Beach” sign. Depending on who you ask, this flashing neon sign either depicts two pelicans frolicking or fornicating. The choice is yours!

Two blocks from the sign, among the cheap hotels, off brand fast food restaurants, and pawn shops, you’ll find Jumbo Jimbo’s Stop and Gas. Jimbo’s offers loss leader priced gas coupled with overpriced snacks and souvenirs. Step into their football field sized convenience store and grab a bag of Jimbo’s Seasoned Jerky, Jimbo’s Beefy Funnel Cakes, and a Jimbo’s logo beach towel.

And look there! It’s Jumbo Jimbo himself, and he wants to take a picture with you and your family! Is Jimbo a porpoise? A seal? A walrus? A yeti? It doesn’t matter!

Jumbo Jimbo’s Stop N’ Gas—Come In and Get Gassy!

A block past Jumbo Jimbo’s, you’ll see a three story vintage pirate ship, which means you’re about to board One-Eyed Pete’s Pirate Playtime Family Fun Center. Achieving it’s vintage look due to of years of neglect, One-Eyed Pete’s is a local landmark. Opened in 1973, generations of parents have brought their sweaty, screaming, and sunburned children here for a “ship shape” good time. When operational, enjoy classic video games like Pac Man, Donkey Kong, and Centipede alongside newer games like Ms. Pac Man, Donkey Kong Junior, and Millipede. Out back, enjoy a twelve hole Vietnam themed miniature golf course when it’s not flooded due to normal rainfall.

One-Eyed Pete’s Pirate Playtime Family Fun Center—Enjoy Our Air Conditioning When It’s Working!

Heading further south, pastel and neon will beckon you to Calvin’s Island T-Shirt Factory. Calvin’s offers the latest trend in retail – immersive interaction. For only $49.99 per hour, your child will manufacture T-shirts in a realistic factory setting. Lighting, working conditions, and supplies will vary, teaching your little one valuable life lessons. At the end of the session, the child who produces the most shirts will win the Lil’ Productive Laborer Certificate! And, you’ll have the opportunity to purchase your child’s t-shirts—and shirts made by other children—for only $49.99 each!

Calvin’s Island T-Shirt Factory—It’s Not Child Labor Because You Signed The Waiver!

Directly across the street from The Beach at Coastal Bay Beach, you’ll take in the distinct sights and smells of The Strip. Since 1978, The Strip has been home to a colorful array of dive bars, theme restaurants, souvenir shops, and tattoo parlors. You’ll be stepping around drunk college students at the same time you’re jostled by a staggering stoner!

The Strip’s newest restaurant recently opened in the former Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville spot—Kenny Loggins Footloose Bungalow! Enjoy some tasty Danger Zone Gumbo and a delicious This Is It Seafood Sampler! Visit The Wall of Loggins Noggins—an interactive display where you can touch actual samples of Kenny Loggins’ facial hair through the years!

The Strip—Now Featuring Four Smokey’s Vape Shops!

When you hear the roaring sound of cars idling as they search for a parking space, you know you’ve reached The Beach at Coastal Bay Beach! Seventeen miles of sugar white sand, now mostly free of medical waste!

The Beach at Coastal Bay Beach made national news last year when seven tons of medical waste floated ashore during the Beachy Family Film Festival. Images of children wading in bandage and needle infested waters caused a sharp decline in tourism. Coastal Bay Beach Regional Hospital generously agreed to cover the cost of removing the medical waste, which was especially generous since they “accidentally” dumped it there in the first place. Now that’s neighbors helping neighbors!

The Beach at Coastal Bay Beach—If You Find Any Needles, Don’t Worry, They’re Clean Ones!

Now open right on The Beach at Costal Bay Beach: A monument to community partnership! Announcing Boomer’s Blast Fireworks/Costal Bay Beach Regional Hospital Freestanding Emergency Room. This brand new state of the art 200,000 square foot facility offers the widest selection of fireworks on the coast paired with the coast’s most quickly trained medical personnel! You may not suffer a fireworks injury, but it sure would be convenient if you did!

Sign up for the Frequent Boomer Safety Program and your tenth bag of fireworks or tenth visit to the ER is free!

Boomer’s Blast Fireworks—Wow, Look at That!

Costal Bay Beach Regional Hospital Freestanding Emergency Room—Wow, Look at That!