Nov
18
History’s Most Brutal Online Reviews
The French Monarchy | by BIGNapoleanB | If you want a thing done well, do it yourself. France could be better under New Management. Stay tuned.
Nov
18
A Letter to the School Board of Pastoral County on the Future of Our Schools
I would like the board to be aware and consider the fact that my house is a piece of garbage and I am rotting inside of it.
Nov
17
10 More Things Jolene Took from Me
All of my passwords and the facial ID on my phone. My mother is sick, Jolene, and now I can’t call her. I had to use a LIBRARY to email Mom.
Nov
17
I’m an SEC-Football-Turned-Bumble Coach and Your Offense Is Trash
Your dating game plan is dogshit. I haven’t seen an operation this shit-tier since my first job at Southwestern Louisiana A&M Poly Tech State.
Nov
17
How I Grew My Bank Account by $13 Dollars in Just Six Months!
I tried swing trading, but I guess I misunderstood what that meant, because the cops got called the second I showed up at the playground.
Nov
17
I’m the Girl in the Newspaper Dress That Sat Behind You at “Newsies,” and I’m the Real Reason Broadway Was Shut Down
The Broadway League called me a "triple threat" since I caused a scene at every show, stalked cast members, and made everyone around me feel unsafe.
Nov
16
Guestbook Comments from People Who Died at This B&B
"The rooms were comfortable, the food was exquisite and my husband and I had a glorious time in the pool until they released those piranhas.”
Nov
16
Holidays as Explained by Your Pets
Dog: Thanksgiving took a while to understand, but I’ve got it now. It starts when you’re locked outside because no one can deal with you today.
Nov
15
An Open Letter of Gratitude to My Anxiety
You make me better. You make me ask the tough questions, like do I have rabies, and is the baby giraffe at the zoo mad at me?
Nov
15
How to Tell Your Boyfriend You Don’t Want to Return with Him from the Underworld
Listen, we’ve all been there. Relationships aren’t all grapes, private lyre performances, and lounging like statues in an acropolis.
Nov
14
We, Your Parents, Expect the Whole Family Together for the Holidays Despite the Raging Pandemic
We know that you usually visit for 3-5 days, but the safest option is for everyone to stay for the suggested quarantine period of at least two weeks.
Nov
14
I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore if I’m Not Receiving and Ignoring Election Emails
I am in the wrong house. Where are the 17 pieces of paper asking me to vote Jackie F to help save the environment?
Nov
13
FAQ: What Is the New Normal?
Put simply, the new normal is the normal that is currently substituting what is actually normal by normal standards.
Nov
13
Secrets to Rekindling Love While Burning Down a Dystopian Society
With casualties in the hundreds of thousands, just be glad you're dating someone that’s alive.
Nov
12
An Important Message from Your University President, Who Is Shocked That What Everyone Said Would Happen Is Happening
For starters, many of you have been attending parties. We told you not to do that! We thought you’d listen to us.
Nov
12
The Total Amount of Money in Each of Our Swear Jars Since 147 Chilean Rose Hair Tarantulas Invaded Our Home
Dining Room Swear Jar: $1 Dark Corner Of The Attic Swear Jar: $57 Home Office Swear Jar: $0
Nov
12
Side Pickle Is a Gift from God
No matter how many side pickles one has in their lifetime, each new side pickle feels like the first.
Nov
11
If People Appropriated White, Midwestern Catholicism the Way They Appropriate Yoga
Does everyone have a string of rosary beads? It's very important to warm your muscles by lightly flagellating your body.
Nov
11
Life During COVID-19 or Game of “Oregon Trail”?
In March, you say goodbye to your family, friends, and old way of life. It’s time to prepare for a rough journey ahead.
Nov
11
Spend a Romantic Weekend Hiking and Riding Centaurs at Branbury Farms
Let our four-legged friends teach you about their traditions, long history, or the way to make the best apple cider you've ever had (a Branbury guarantee).
Nov
10
I Just Found Out I’m a Lesbian and Boy Am I Surprised
I mean, if my life were a novel, this would be terrible writing. The reader would be flipping back, looking for pages they must have skipped.
Nov
10
I Am the 60 Seconds Before Your Car AC Kicks In, and I Am Here to Remind You of Your Mortality
Listen to your yelp as you touch my hot leather seats. Feel the burn, baby. I can feel the panic rising in your breath.
Nov
9
Diary of a License Plate Designer
Can’t seem to think of a good slogan. “Minnesota: Chug It Down!” No, that’s not it. “Minnesota: Everybody in the Pool!” Closer, but still no.
Nov
9
How to Bullshit the Perfect Fall Cocktail
Let whiskey cook slowly until boil. Add reckless spoonfuls of cinnamon until brown haze floats over liquid like a haunted fart.
Nov
9
Hate Yourself and Your Work? Here’s a Time-Management Strategy You’ll Go Crazy For!
Set your timer for 15 minutes and promptly CRY INTO A PILLOW AND LET THE TEARS OF FAILURE FLOW LIKE THE RIVER NILE.
Nov
8
My Mom Ages Beautifully; I Become More Haggard by the Day
She goes to bed early, after washing her face and applying night serum. I go to bed drunk, after forgetting to brush my teeth or remove my contacts.
Nov
8
Famous LinkedIn Pages of History
With a quick hand and keen eye, Betsy Ross can help you with all your sewing needs. She specializes in the flags of fledgling nations at war.
Nov
7
The Great American Yelp Review: Ernest Hemingway’s “The Sun Also Rises”
In one of his more difficult passages, Hemingway suggests that the combination of alcohol and music can result in a fine evening.
Nov
7
New York City’s Most Unpowerful Couples
Brick, 47, screaming Mets fan and Chester, 42, crying Jets fan: These two brilliantly built their own empires, but still make time for each other.
Nov
6
An Open Plea from Aloysius Lilius, Inventor of the Gregorian Calendar
Do you want to use the Julian calendar? Because I can make that happen tomorrow. Whenever tomorrow is on that mess.
Nov
6
Jesus Applies for Unemployment
"When was the last time you worked?" Well, technically, as the Messiah, I am always working. But as a carpenter, I worked about three months ago.
Nov
5
Hello My Name Is Inigo Montoya and, If I’m Being Completely Honest, My Father’s Death Was at Least Partly Due to Prolonged Exposure to Dangerous Sword-Making Fumes
It wasn't uncommon to come down to the breakfast table and see my father carefully spooning some of the fumes into his coffee.
Nov
5
Plunderstone Capital Is Thrilled to Have Purchased Your Local High School
My role is basically the same as that of a principal except I don’t know how to run a school and I own 15% of its graduates’ earnings in perpetuity.
Nov
4
Help! My Sourdough Starter Became Sentient and Now It Won’t Stop Asking Me to Listen to Jam Bands
When my starter told me it needed a guitar for its new band, a “Wilco meets Steely Dan” vibe, I knew things were about to take a turn for the worse.
Nov
4
You’re Invited to Join Our Exclusive Learning Pod
The secret to surviving homeschool is money. The secret to surviving pandemic parenting is also money.
Nov
3
Managing the Growing Expectations and Emotional Burden of Three Spotify Playlist Subscribers
While my playlist has exploded, so too have the expectations of my fans. Artistically, I’m under pressure. Personally—I’m in the danger zone.
Nov
3
Kendall Roy’s Letter to the Waystar Royco Board about His Three-Thousandth Vote of No Confidence
I was last seen breaking into Madison Square Garden and jamming out to Blueprint where I fell asleep with a bleezie and burnt the building down.
Nov
3
The 3 Sleeves on My Sweater, Ranked by How Much I Really Need Them There
Left sleeve: Since my left hand is not my dominant hand, I could probably make it an hour or two without this sleeve, but it wouldn’t be ideal.
Nov
3
We Are Rejecting Your Ballot Because You Did Not Include Shrek Ears Over the “S” in Your Signature
The signature we have on file features Shrek ears over the "s" in an apparent reference to the 2001 DreamWorks film starring Mike Myers.
Nov
2
An Email to the Dean from Jesus Christ, Medical Student
While my MCAT scores were not the most competitive, I am a self-directed learner with strong communication skills and also I died for your sins.
Nov
2
What Your Email Sign-Off Says About You
Best wishes: You are a cold-blooded sadomasochist who is fully aware that by vocalizing one's wishes, they will never come true.
Nov
2
Orientation for College-At-Home, According to Your Mom
Food Service: Breakfast is served from 6:12 AM to 6:18 AM. You’ll have a choice of bran flakes or bran toast.
Nov
1
Getting to Know Your Middle School Student Government Candidates
Harrison has devoted the majority of his campaign to securing a beach-themed winter dance, prompted by his older brother's copy of Girls Gone Wild.
Nov
1
Memo to Writers of Ten Commandments from God
"We are an open democracy and welcome 180-degree feedback circle." This is a weak start; we need a strong first point that will set the tone.
Oct
31
Halloween Candies and the People Who Hand Them Out
Candy Corn --- I may look like I’m relatively young, but I’m actually a centenarian trapped inside a younger body.
Oct
31
I Won’t Be Trick-Or-Treating This Year Because of COVID-19, Not Because I Am a 35-Year-Old Adult Man
This would be my 32nd year trick-or-treating and my 22nd year trying to explain to my neighbors why I'm not too old to be doing so.
Oct
31
An Oral History of the Monster Mash
Igor: The Lab was like a Studio 54 for ghouls and goblins, before we could be open about who we are. We were always coming up with new dances.
Oct
30
Fox News Horoscopes for an Election in Retrograde
Libra: You’re feeling frustrated because Jupiter is orbiting Buffalo Wild Wings and they won’t let you in without a mask.
Oct
30
Our Haunted House Is Innovating for 2020
Instead of the usual ghouls chasing you through the hallways, this year's tour will offer you a respite from the ongoing horror show that is 2020.
Oct
30
This Halloween, Dress as an Old-Timey Person from 2019
Here’s a funky, vintage suggestion: you could wear pants that close with a button at the top, rather than with an elastic waistband.
Oct
29
This Possessed Cabin Needs Five Blood Sacrifices but Sarah Bailed Last Minute
She used the same excuse for Lana's St Patty's party and my Ugly Sweater party last year.
Oct
29
Questions I Asked Realtors During My Pandemic Apartment Hunt
Does this apartment have a laundry machine, and just out of curiosity, has anyone discovered a way to wash the mind?
Oct
29
The Haunted House of Heavy-Handed Political Parables
Enter the front yard and you are immediately confronted with the Graveyard of the Norms. Every tombstone reads the name, "Norm 1776-2016."
Oct
28
Help! I’m a Work ID Badge in Junk Drawer Hell
Anyways, the uncapped Sharpie is getting me high, so I need to make this quick.
Oct
28
Joe Biden’s Real Campaign Schedule or My Joe Biden Fanfiction?
Joe takes me out onto the balcony, places his strong, soft hands on my cheeks and whispers softly in my ear, “Amtrak.” We make love under the moon.
Oct
27
Job Offer Still Rescinded Due to Virus? Break Back into the Workforce
Beg. Lie prostrate before corporate HQ and beg. You are not above this. You have never been above this.
Oct
27
If Your Online Dates Texted Like Political Campaigns
Hey, Maggie, I’ll cut right to the chase. Please, Maggie, confirm that you’ll see me at Miller’s Tavern tonight at 8 p.m.
Oct
27
Lady Macbeth’s Hand-Washing Guide
If thou believes thy hands cleansed when 20 seconds have tarried, thou art awakening for ill news.
Oct
26
Chilling Tales from Your Late 20s
You come into possession of 12-25 sample eye creams. Every few weeks you get another one. How do they get there? What do they do? No one knows.
Oct
26
Other Companies Launching Streaming Platforms This Year
Yankee Candle's “Slow Burn” -- Put a Yankee Candle procedural on and let the stock characters and soothing storylines melt your stress away.
Oct
25
Universal Movie Monsters Slide into the Heroine’s DMs Years Later
Mina, it's me Drac! 479 is the new 35! Please message me back. I’m going batshit crazy without you.
Oct
25
Yep, Your High School Bully Is Still Thriving
She went on an all-inclusive vacation with her girlfriends last summer. She got double the number of Facebook birthday messages you did.
Oct
24
I Love Unwinding After a Long, Stressful Day by Watching a Documentary About a Man Who Murdered His Wife and Children
I love to kick back and escape my many problems by throwing on some real archival footage of a man who horrifically murdered his entire family.
Oct
24
Please Don’t Cover Your Abandoned Pandemic Garden During the Frost, We Just Want to Die
In hindsight, you probably should have spent more time tilling the ground than posting seductive selfies in your gardening hat, but that's okay.
Oct
23
Sign Up for My Karate School Correspondence Class
We’re not doing this online, it’s too easy, too predictable (plus I’m not allowed to get online for 18 more months, minimum).
Oct
23
What He Means When He Says “You’re Not Like the Other Girls”
You have a personality. Other girls don’t. They have no personality. They aren’t funny and they have no hobbies or interests to speak of.
Oct
23
Socially-Conscious Activities for Gender Reveal Parties
Tear open an envelope. If you discover a dollar bill, you’re having a boy! If there’s only 81 cents inside, a girl is on her way!
Oct
22
The Yellow Removable Wallpaper
Half the time now I am awfully lazy, and scroll through my phone ever so much. John says I mustn't lose my mind reading article after article.
Oct
22
47 Corporate Buzzwords Redefined for Work-At-Home Times
Early Adopters: The line you wished you’d gotten into to get the better kids than the ones you’re in lockdown with.
Oct
22
Ideas for New NFL Mascots: Hackers, Salmonella, and Road Rage
Imagine the home-field advantage for the SF Identity Thieves as their mascot "Guccifer 7.0" announces credit card info of the opposing players.
Oct
21
Trying to Network at an Orgy
Can you introduce me to any shadowy figures who run the government here?
Oct
21
Simon Says for the Presidential Debate’s Nashville Audience
Simon says please welcome the presidential candidates with any sort of noises you find appropriate—bearing in mind their last performance.
Oct
21
The Unauthorized Biography of Barky Malone
The book mentions a reoccurring nightmare of his, where Bigfoot would chase him across an endless plain, demanding he fill out a brief survey.
Oct
20
Sherlock Homes and the Mystery of the Missing Romance
My girlfriend first noticed the absence of romance while I was in a stained dressing gown, digging wax from my ears while reminiscing about my ex.
Oct
20
11 Money Moves Every Six-Year-Old Needs to Make Today
Fund your retirement account - The best time to start investing is when you’re born. The second best time is when you’re completely potty-trained.
Oct
20
The Joys and Challenges of Owning a Pet Wasp
No need for crates or kennels. Your wasp will gather creepy residues from the shadows of your home and construct a lair for itself, all on its own.
Oct
20
Ground Rules for the Low-Stakes Time Machine
You can’t go back in time to kill Hitler, but you can go back to start your watercolor hobby earlier so you’d be at a more intermediate level now.
Oct
19
My Name Is, Uh, Señor Greenwood, and I’ll Be Your Substitute Teacher Today
Now, I should say that I don’t speak Spanish, but I do speak un poquito Spanish. Is that bueno with everyone?
Oct
19
15 Printed Onesies Worn by Babies Who Will Eventually Struggle to Move Up Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
25% Mommy, 25% Daddy, 25% Mommy’s Yoga Coach, 15% Daddy’s Secretary, 5% Tinder Guy Who Was Into Daddy and Daddy’s Secretary, 5% Lube, 100% PERFECT ME!
Oct
19
Our President Is Like Many Different Types of People I Know
Every time I’ve been to a dinner party with our president, he sits next to my problematic uncle, and they talk practically in unison.
Oct
18
Nowhere Am I Safe from Assumptions
When I go to work people assume, just because I drive an ice cream truck, that I must really love ice cream, or that I sell ice cream.
Oct
18
Hallmark Channel Original Movie or Firsthand Account of the Battle of Gettysburg?
These two American staples have a lot in common: trials, tribulation, love, even amputation. How many will you get right?
Oct
17
I’m Mozart, Damnit, Don’t Just Leverage Me for Studying
My music isn't something you stomach for the sake of increased brain function. Save that for the cod liver oil.
Oct
17
I Am Having Trouble Carving My Wife’s Likeness into a Pumpkin in Such a Way That Captures Her Raw Sexual Energy
The farmer at the pumpkin patch is threatening to stop selling me any more pumpkins because he thinks what I’m doing is “fucked up.”
Oct
16
This Test Tests Your Professional Competency at Taking Tests
A slew of multiple-choice questions that are, at best, only tangentially related to your actual performance or knowledge in a professional capacity.
Oct
16
How Horror Movie Villains Handled the Pandemic
Jigsaw sunk into a deep depression after realizing that no one is ever in the mood "to play a game" anymore, especially over Zoom.
Oct
16
I Trust My Boyfriend, But I Would Trust Him More if I Had All of His Passwords
Is it so terrible that I want transparency? And the permanent ability to login to his Twitter whenever I'm feeling a little fucking insane?
Oct
15
Tales from the Megabus to Make You Un-Miss Travel
By the time the bus came, I'd assigned everyone in line a "Lost" archetype; I was Kate because I was sexy and had a backpack.
Oct
15
Prince Hamlet or My Neglected Cactus?
Enjoys pretending to teeter on the brink of breakdown to gain physical and emotional labor from loved ones.
Oct
15
Although I Have Been Dead for Over a Decade, I Still Rise from My Grave Every Fall for a Pumpkin Spice Latte
Climbing out of my grave, I savor the autumn air before dusting off my outfit: an oversized cardigan, plaid scarf, Uggs, and Lululemon leggings.
Oct
14
I Wrote the “Cool S” on Every Bar Bathroom Wall, and the Pandemic Has Been Hard for Me
Some of my other ubiquitous work is "Call Your Mom" and "Single-Line, Semi-Erect Penis and Balls, With Hair Sprigs."
Oct
14
“PAW Patrol” Episodes That Not-So-Subtly Promote Fascism
"Pups Go Camping" - The PAW Patrol round-up protestors, immigrants, and intellectuals to take to a mandatory camp in the woods.
Oct
14
I Am Netflix’s Ridiculous Sound Effect
I come from a long line of well-known, obnoxious sounds. My father was the blast from a cruise ship, my uncle was the exhaust rattle of a Harley.
Oct
13
Hi! It’s Me, the Girl Who Bullied You Relentlessly in High School and I’ll Be Your Coronavirus Nurse!
I haven’t thought about you, but I’m sure you’ve thought of me plenty between the scars I left on your psyche and my popular, unprofessional TikToks.
Oct
13
10 Tips to Get Him, a Climate Denier, to Notice You, a Deadly Cat 5 Hurricane
It may seem like the only offshore things he cares about are drilling and banking, but remember, you are a strong, sexy, SENTIENT storm.
Oct
13
Daydreams Where I Finally Get to Use My Very Unique Skillset
“Is there a doctor on the plane? Specifically, someone with a PhD in Mathematics with a focus on algebraic geometry?”
Oct
12
Missing the Orchard? Try Our Virtual Apple Picking!
Boxer is our farm goat and he loves meeting people. Don’t be alarmed if he tries to bite the screen since he doesn’t fully grasp what a laptop is.
Oct
12
Yankee Candle Scents for Fall 2020
Cabin Fever Delight - Hot dogs sizzle over a space heater because you’ve officially lost it. Time is nothing but a construct.
Oct
12
Hi Talene, It’s Joe Biden
JOE: Talene, it’s Joe. TALENE: I know :)) TALENE: it’s so good to hear from you TALENE: I feel like we kind of fell off a few nights ago....
Oct
11
I’m the Mystery Vegetable in Your Produce Delivery Box, and I’m Here to Cause Chaos
I wish you could see how stupid you look right now. Eyeing me like a curious toddler. Sniffing me like a confused caveman.