Mina!!! You’re looking like a snack in all your pics lately. Losing you was like a stake in the heart. When I saw you at the opera I knew right away I wanted you to be mine. We said 5 words to each other throughout the entire film but that was enough to base spending eternity together as vampires, don’t you think?

I know you think I’m too old and that I’ll suck all the life out of you, but that’s not true, Mina! 479 is the new 35!

Please message me back. I’m going batshit crazy without you.

The Mummy

Imhotep: What up, Helen?! It’s me, the guy who tried to stab you through the stomach and then reincarnate you because you kind of looked like my ex. Just checking in! Have you reconsidered my offer of living as my immortal mummy wife? You’d never want for anything with me, especially not toilet paper.

I’m not sure what to talk about since I don’t really know anything about you. I never asked because I based 100% of my affection off you looking like the ancient Egyptian princess I was in love with 3000 years ago. But um…. How’s the weather been for you lately? Send nudes?

The Creature From the Black Lagoon

Gill-Man: Hi Kay, U up? It’s been so long since I attempted to abduct you and keep you captive in a damp Amazonian cave forever. I see you’re still rocking that white one-piece swimsuit. I never knew what love was until I saw you doggy paddle in my black lagoon. I hope I didn’t come on too strong when I savagely murdered three of your crewmates in order to be with you.

Your blood-curdling scream whenever you saw me is still the soundtrack to my life.

Do you think you could learn to look past my gills and see me for who I really am… A ripped fish-man with killer abs?


Frankenstein’s monster: Hi Elizabeth! Can I call you Lizzie? It feels like ages since I climbed through your window on your wedding day and lumbered after you while you screamed in terror for three straight minutes. I really feel like we had a missed connection. If you hadn’t fainted from the debilitating fear of looking at my face, I think we could have really had something special.

I’ve come to realize alone: bad. Girlfriend: good. Please meet me at the old mill where your village people tried to burn me alive. Once you get here, we can figure out the nuts and bolts of our romance.

P.S. Please don’t show the doc this message.

The Wolfman

Wolfman: My sweet Gwen, I’m still howling for you. From the moment I used a telescope to spy on you through your bedroom window, I knew you were the one for me. I even put up with it when you brought your less attractive friend with you to chaperone our walk. What was her name, Janet? Anyway, she’s dead now. Sorry about that. It’s really unfortunate, but I promise you can being any uggo friend you want on our moonlight strolls if you respond to this message.

I can satisfy you more than your fiance Frank ever could. After all, the old expression is true “big hairy wolf arms, big hairy wolf…”