Voltaire (Brand-building)

I do enlightened copy. I do enlightened content. My enlightened approach to branding speaks to enlightened clients like you. I can consult for your startup while serving time inside the Bastille. It is precisely my experience from being jailed for my cutting edge thought-trends that makes me so attractive to your goals of disrupting multiple industries.

Let’s take a journey through my polished copy, my bestseller Candide, and I’ll galvanize your social media following on IG, Twitter, Facebook, and Snapchat with my anti-Judaism, creating web traffic for your brand.

Writing: 4

Endorsed by: France, Goethe, and 83,830 others, who are highly skilled at this.


Elizabeth I (Leadership consultant)

Elizabeth I is a fearless leader with decades of experience. You could say she was born to rule. Her royal highness has a proven track record of galvanizing her people and fostering the exportation of a ruthless global empire. She’s particularly adept at identifying key competitors and outperforming them, often by imprisoning them in the Tower of London.

Hobbies include: Make-up artistry, preserving her virginity, and praying.

Recommendation from an anonymous English subject: “When living under Good Queen Bess you really just have no other choice but to obey! I love that my daughters are growing up under a strong, all-powerful female leader. What a gift to the next generation of virgins. God bless Bess.”

People Also Viewed: Thomas Seymour, and Edward VIII (Monarchical Innovator)


Betsy Ross (Fabric-stitching maven)

With a quick hand and keen eye, Betsy Ross can help you with all your sewing needs. She specializes in the flags of fledgling nations at war with Britain and can meet tight deadlines when declaring your republic. Unlike her competitors, Betsy does the work herself rather than outsourcing it to enslaved people.

Recommendation from George Washington: “When I needed a flag ASAP, I turned to Betsy and wasn’t disappointed. Highly professional and accepts new forms of currencies.”

People Also Viewed: Paul Revere (Accomplished Equestrian)


Mary Wollstonecraft (Estrogenic powerhouse)

If any communications professional has perfected the art of Sheryl Sandberg’s “lean in,” it’s Mary Wollstonecraft. She’s comfortable working in all-male sectors like political manifesto writing. Always several steps ahead of the corporate cultural curve, Mary is known for keeping a writing deadline and hating Jacobins.

Out-of-the-box thinking also runs in the Wollstonecraft family. See daughter Mary Shelley, who anticipated the proliferation of terrifying scientific creations decades before Amazon’s Alexa. Both are available for consulting on corporate projections for a dystopian future steeped in misogyny.

Recommendation from Janey, NYU student: “When I discovered Mary’s work I knew that I had to write a thesis about her. She’s full of ideas about women that haven’t changed, like, for centuries!”


Karl Heinrich Marx (Industry disruptor)

Some say Karl is a polemicist. Others call him a sower of societal discord with a soft spot for the poor. Karl likes to think of himself as a polymathic iconoclastic wunderkind and a storyteller-economist. His bestselling Das Kapital has recently been reimagined as a beautiful graphic novel for $45.99, plus shipping. Buy now and you’ll get a free budenovka.

Karl is a favorite among male grad students with a penchant for turtlenecks who grow up to be tenured professors and demand emotional and sexual capital from female students. With his own workspace (The British Library), Karl keeps costs affordable for all your projects on capitalism and revolutions. Get in touch with Karl.

Extracurricular Activities: The estrangement of Man

People also viewed: Howard Zinn, Lenin, U.C. Berkeley, the State of Vermont


Martin Heidegger (Thought leader)

Making observations about oneself is a being toward the existing thing itself, which in this specific case is a LinkedIn account that I use to find jobs. And what, precisely, is demonstrated by LinkedIn? Nothing other than the actuality that it is this very being that one has in one’s bio statement and recommendations, but which may indeed be a falsity. This is further confirmed by the fact that this is pointed out by the competitive capitalist advantage of the being in which the said statement is made in social media—that, which is being toward what is put forward in the statement, that I was once Employee of the Month. What is to be confirmed is that it discovers the being toward which it is, which is a sales beast that galvanizes your team's problem-solving skills.

Extracurricular: Nazi Party

Writing: 4
Moral Convictions: 0


Ernest Hemingway (Writing copy, with a coffee)

There was a man and the man had a LinkedIn account. He wrote about himself. And his talents. He looked into the eyes of a woman. Her name was Liz and she had good legs. Then he wrote about himself as the office coffee machine simmered. The lid of the coffee came up and the grounds ran down the side of the pot. He was a serious coffee drinker at the office. That was how he kept his productivity high, and your project budgets low. He was the most serious man Nick had ever known, and Nick knows he is very serious about your company’s success. Not heavy, serious. Just serious, serious. He is serious about branding. He can do your branding.

Recommendation from Nick: “He’s a serious coffee drinker. He’s serious about your team’s success.”


And now a quick joke...

I finally figured out what horoscopes are good at predicting: which girls are single.