Simon Says for the Presidential Debate's Nashville Audience

Simon says stand up, look around, and make sure you’re following the social distancing guidelines.

Simon says sit down and adjust your position so that your huge hair or 10-gallon hat isn’t obstructing anyone’s view.

Simon says let’s sing a folksy Johnny Cash song while we’re killing pre-debate commercial time.

Repeat after me:

“A young cowboy named Billy Joe grew restless on the farm
A boy filled with wanderlust who really meant no harm
He changed his clothes and shined his boots
And combed his dark hair down
And his mother cried as he walked out…”

I see some of you are a little quick on the draw! I didn’t say repeat after me. But I have to admit, this crowd is astonishingly talented on the musical front.

Simon says please welcome tonight’s moderator with a standing ovation, whistles, cheers, hoots and hollers, as she will need all the support she can possibly get before this shit show begins.

Please welcome the presidential candidates with a round of applause.

Testing, testing, 1-2-3. Good job people. You didn’t fall for that one.

Now, Simon says please welcome the presidential candidates with any sort of noises you find appropriate—bearing in mind their last performance.

Simon says now that you’ve gotten that out of your system, we are all going to pretend you don’t exist until the very end of the debate. This is likely similar to how you generally feel when surrounded by politicians or powerful people of any kind.

Cheer up, I was kidding.

NO! Don’t cheer up. Simon didn’t say to do that. Plus, this fact is really fucking depressing so you SHOULD be upset about it.

Simon says please be silent until the candidates are done interrupting each other at least 379 times.

Simon says also silence your cell phones as our candidates are easily distracted, and we are trying to remove any obstacles that may cause a repeat of the disaster that was debate number one.

Actually, now that I think about it, maybe it WOULD be a good idea to take the focus off the candidates? Hmmm. Oh dear God, what am I saying. Ignore me. Ahh! I see that you did ignore me. Despite what people typically think about Southern intelligence, you really are quite good this game.

Simon says smile. You’re not on camera but you’re frightening the candidates with your bewildered looks.

Simon says PLEASE stop gasping at the gaffes and the inappropriate comments coming from the candidates. You knew what you were getting into. Each and every one of you is here for a reason: because many of the Broadway honky tonks were shut down and you were looking for entertainment.

Good grief this debate is going nowhere. Perhaps we should start singing again to drown out the noise.

Simon says repeat the next verse of the folksy Johnny Cash song after me:

“He laughed and kissed his mom
And said your Billy Joe's a man
I can shoot as quick and straight as anybody can
But I wouldn't shoot without a cause
I'd gun nobody down
But she cried again as he rode away…”

Simon says now that the debate is done you may applaud.

[Silence]

Perhaps you didn’t hear me. Simon says applaud.

[Silence]

Simon says I don’t blame you.

Simon says please wait for me, I’m coming with y’all to the bar.