Dear neighbor,

On behalf of the Crestview Parents’ Society, we invite your little lady or gentleman to join our newly-formed learning pod. Our pod will be held on the grounds of Mr. Tanner Beittel-Hof-Miller, in the company of his wife, Emily Allison Beittel-Hof-Miller, and their four edibly adorable children: Maxwell (10), Katelyn (8), Caitlin (8), and Tanner, Jr. (3).

Classes will take place in the great outdoors, including the lawns, the gazebo, the hutch, the gazebo’s hutch, the play cottage, the play cottage’s guest house, and the fathomless darkness of our black-lit infinity swimming pool.

We will offer a variety of subjects to keep our little ones engaged and out of trouble.

In the morning, Dr. Ridley Toms, newly unemployed from a significant R-1 university, will teach Linear Algebra for Toddlers and Disaster Calculus (the latter adapted for outdoor Imax!)

Our movement guru, Patricia (and oh, we love Patricia, she’s so bendy!), will perform unproblematic imitations of various world dances, which we will synthesize into a soulful mélange that expresses each child’s inner hopes, fears, and 10-point life goals.

After that, we’ll give the children some quiet time to work on their novels.

Lunch will include a cheese tray, an assortment of fresh Mediterranean figs, and smoked goat cutlets wrapped in paper-thin slices of Jambon de Bayonne, and should be brought from home.

Once their bellies are sated, Dominico will helicopter over to help the children with their Basque translations of Sappho, Homer, and Lady Gaga.

They’ll then break into groups to Skype with their peer tutors in Beijing. Do recall their child-size Bluetooth headset should be compatible with their personal MacBook Pro.

At a quarter past two, Jacques Petin, our live-in acrobat, will offer pantomime juggling.

Because no one likes too much structure, we will also have some engaging outdoor activities, otherwise known as fun! Of course, we will continue to social distance. Children may interact in the following ways:

  • Air kiss, from 15 feet
  • Toss a ball toward another child with a slight, gentle power, such that the ball falls halfway between them.
  • A child may high-five themselves while smiling.

We trust that your little man or woman will have no difficulty adhering to these simple guidelines.

In the spirit of collaboration, and because everyone who attends public school can certainly afford it, the enrichment stipend will be $1,099/week. Maximum of one child per non-Beittel-Hof-Miller household, unless you are Katelyn & Caitlin’s secret twin-boy crush (here’s looking at you, Teague & Connery!)

Sincerely yours,

Emily Allison Beittel-Hof-Miller


And now a quick joke...

ALWAYS recycle dead batteries. NEVER put them in the garbage. My brother WILL go through your trash and he WILL throw them at me if he finds them!!