My beautiful, thoughtful, intelligent, dear dear best friend. I love and appreciate you so much. Without you, how would I know to check that I turned my stove off, or closed the front door to my house, or paid my bills on time? Without your daily reminders, how would I wonder if a bat will fall through the 12-millimeter crack in my apartment ceiling; instantly give me coronavirus, then kill me dead? It’s obvious, I wouldn’t know how to live without you!
We’ve had so many beautiful memories together. The sleepless nights and the quirky nightmares. All the times we spent on WebMD reading about our symptoms for the medieval diseases we caught from a porta-potty at the Tame Impala concert.
You make me better. You make me ask the tough questions, like do I have rabies, and is the baby giraffe at the zoo mad at me? Will my birth certificate, passport, and driver’s license all simultaneously burst into 1 million tiny pieces at a Tampa, Florida DMV? Then will a family of Estonian tourists find all the pieces, glue them back together, steal my identity, and rob my bank account?
People judge our relationship and think it’s toxic, but the joke will be on them when the aliens really do invade, the internet crashes, and paper currency does go extinct. It will be because you make me hoard cash under my bed like a wartime era bank robber fleeing a gang of Chicago mobsters, that I will be the only one with cash money. You are going to help me get through the end times; I will be the lone survivor! That will show people. Then they’ll realize, without you guiding me every step of the way, the world falls apart.
I am so lucky to have you by my side; you keep me going. What would I do without you? Probably die alone in my apartment, via bat, as we both know I will, leaving my dead body to those rats I know live behind my stove even though the exterminator said on his 8th visit don’t exist. I know they’re there, we’ve both seen them. If I don’t have you in my life, I cannot stay alive! WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT YOU? Thank you so much for everything best friend!
Love you so much!
P.S. I hope you actually got this letter. I worry that a pigeon might eat this by swooping down from above, in the milliseconds of transport between mail truck and mailbox, and this letter may never actually reach you at all. I hope you got it and that you’re the one reading this and not the pigeon. If you are the pigeon, I hope you’re doing OK and that the humans are feeding you enough, I always worry if you guys get enough protein, you can’t live on bagels alone.
P.P.S. I hope this letter didn’t give you a paper cut when you opened it! If you are the one who opened it. If this is still the pigeon, please watch your beak, you are fragile and small.
P.P.P.S. I know I just said something about there being rats in my apartment and I just hope I didn’t jinx myself; you don’t think there are any in, here right?
P.P.P.P.S. Also, I hope you don’t think I like that pigeon more than you, you’re definitely my best friend, not the pigeon.
P.P.P.P.P.S. I feel like I just saw a rat in here?