You’re a rapidly intensifying cyclone, churning just south of Louisiana, and you’re crushing HARD on NOAA’s latest hire. But an ocean full of hurricanes can make standing out feel impossible, and on top of that, he’s a climate denier?! UGH!!!

Do you give up and head back out to sea? NO! Take it from me, Katrina, the only way to get a denier’s attention is to be UNDENIABLE. Follow my 10 steps and you’ll be on his radar in no time!

1. Don’t Be Desperate – I see you staring at his University of Phoenix PhD! Thirsty much?? Chill out and give him space to breath! Try flirting with some sexy, war-torn islands first.

2. Show Him Your Best Side – It may sound shallow, but if he’s not an ass-man, he’s a barometric pressure–man. Use some contouring to sculpt those cold cloud tops. Umm, is it getting HOT in here?! Depends who’s asking…

3. Make His Special Interests Your Special Interests – And I don’t just mean surface-level stuff like “visiting Bermuda” or “being influenced by high pressure,” LOL! Dig deep to find shared values. Your bond will only strengthen as you discover your mutual hatred of the poor.

4. Be Direct – Is there anything worse than being stuck in the friend-cone of uncertainty? Be honest with your feelings! This qt’s the political mouthpiece of your dreams. SHOW HIM!

5. Love Yourself – It may seem like the only offshore things he cares about are drilling and banking, but remember, you are a strong, sexy, SENTIENT storm. Cheer up! No one likes a Tropical Depression 😊

6. Be in the Right Place at the Right Time – Find out where he spends his time (squash courts, the Heartland Institute) and “bump” into him. He can’t ignore what’s right in front of him. Oh wait…

7. Take a Risk – Destroy one of his timeshares. The one that houses his huskies, Rexxon, Shelly and Marathon Petroleum Corp. Then swoop in to comfort him as he mourns the tragic loss of real estate.

8. Break the Touch Barrier – Touch can be a fun, non-verbal way of getting your flirt on! You’ve got to start off slowly, though. Try grazing his arm with your 185 mph winds.

9. Make Strong Eye Contact – Studies show prolonged eye contact can be a fast-track to intimacy! Knock him dead with your freshly mascaraed eyewall.

10. Let Him Know You’re Fun and Down for Anything! – Kill 2,000 people.

With so much going on in the world, it can be tough to make a dent in the news cycle. But use these tips and I guarantee you’ll be the last hurricane he ever rides out!


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