Focusing on your work is tough. That’s why finding the right time-management method is essential to maintaining a productive and happy life. Here’s a great one — It’s kind of like the popular Pomodoro Technique, only a little more honest. Happy working!

Set your timer for 15 minutes and promptly CRY INTO A PILLOW AND LET THE TEARS OF FAILURE FLOW LIKE THE RIVER NILE.

At the alarm, take a break by SCROLLING THROUGH INSTAGRAM UNTIL YOU’VE SUCCESSFULLY INTERNALIZED HOW LAME YOUR LIFE IS COMPARED TO EVERY OTHER PERSON WHO HAS EVER EXISTED.

Now, set your alarm for 15 more minutes, sit down, and BANG YOUR HEAD AGAINST THE TABLE BECAUSE IT’S NOT LIKE YOU WERE ACTUALLY GOING TO USE YOUR BRAIN FOR ANYTHING PRODUCTIVE ANYWAY, YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT.

Good work. Now take another quick break. Clear your mind and relax by CHECKING THE NEWS AND REALIZING THE WORLD IS LITERALLY ON FIRE AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT, NOT THAT YOU ACTUALLY WOULD—YOU’RE A SPINELESS FRAUD WHO HATES CONFRONTATION.

Set another timer, this one for 25 minutes, and begin IMPULSE BUYING EVERYTHING ON YOUR AMAZON WISHLIST. YOU’VE HAD THAT ZOODLE MAKER SAVED FOR FAR TOO LONG AND GOD DAMNIT YOU DESERVE TO TREAT YOURSELF. BUT THEN, IN AN ACT OF POST-BEZOS CLARITY, YOU REALIZE WHAT A HUGE MISTAKE YOU’VE MADE AND IMMEDIATELY CANCEL YOUR ORDER. YOU DON’T HAVE THAT TYPE OF MONEY AND YOU CERTAINLY DON’T DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

Great job! At the alarm, it's time for an extended break. Stand up, walk around, and EAT AN ENTIRE BOX OF PIZZA FLAVORED GOLDFISH. YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT—A BOX, NOT A BAG. ONE OF THOSE FAMILY-SIZED CARDBOARD BOXES OF GOLDFISH THAT MRS. MALONEY WOULD BRING OUT DURING SNACKTIME IN FIRST GRADE, BUT THEN SHE WOULD ONLY POUR LIKE FOUR FUCKING FISH ONTO A NAPKIN FOR EACH STUDENT EVEN THOUGH THE WHOLE CLASS KNEW HOW BIG THAT BOX WAS—THAT SNACK-HOARDING, MONEY-PINCHING BITCH. BUT NOW YOU’RE AN ADULT AND YOU CAN EAT THE WHOLE FUCKING THING. SO YOU DO, BECAUSE YOU HATE YOURSELF AND YOU WOKE UP BLOATED ANYWAY SO WHAT DO YOU FUCKING HAVE TO LOSE AT THIS POINT.

Alright. Here we go! Back to work! Set your alarm for another 25 minutes. Eliminate any and all distractions, LIKE THOSE TEXT MESSAGES FROM YOUR MOM THAT HAVE BEEN SITTING THERE SINCE LAST NIGHT. YOU KNOW, THE ONES WHERE SHE SAID, “JEFF AND I ARE GETTING MARRIED. THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW.” WHICH REALLY FUCKED YOU UP BECAUSE YOUR MOM DIED TWO YEARS AGO. ALSO, WASN’T THE GUY SHE HAD BEEN DATING NAMED GEOFF, NOT JEFF? SO YOU REPLIED, “I THOUGHT HE SPELLED IT GEOFF?” WHICH, IN RETROSPECT SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN THE MOST PRESSING QUESTION, SO YOU FOLLOWED IT UP BY SAYING: “SO YOU FAKED YOUR DEATH?” AND SHE REPLIED IN THAT WAY WHERE SHE GIVES ONE ANSWER FOR TWO QUESTIONS BY SAYING: “PEOPLE CAN CHANGE, HONEY. YOU’VE NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT.”

Almost done! Set your alarm for another 25 minutes and STARE INTO THE ABYSS, FEELING OVERWHELMED AND PARALYZED BY THE WEIGHT OF LIFE, WORK, AND THE KNOWLEDGE THAT NOTHING MATTERS. BUT THINGS DO MATTER. LIKE YOUR CAT, ROSWALD, WHO’S RUBBING HIS FAT-ASS KITTYCAT BUTT EVER SO GENTLY AGAINST YOUR EXPOSED FOREARM. HE ONLY HAS TWO LEGS, ONE EYE, AND HALF OF A FUNCTIONING KIDNEY, YET HE MANAGED TO GET UP THIS MORNING AND DO HIS IMPORTANT CAT BUSINESS WITH A GODDAMN SMILE ON HIS DECREPIT, SICKLY FACE. SO YOU DO IT FOR ROSWALD, THAT OL’ CHAMP. YOU FINALLY SET TO WORK. YOU FOCUS WITH AN INTENSITY SO STRONG AND FULL OF VIGOR THAT YOU THINK YOU MUST BE ON ADDERALL. AND YOU ARE ON ADDERALL, OBVIOUSLY. BUT YOU’VE LONG BEEN IMMUNE TO ITS EFFECTS, SO THAT CAN’T BE IT. IT’S GOTTA BE THIS TIME-MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUE YOU JUST REMEMBERED YOU WERE TRYING. SUDDENLY, YOU’VE WORKED FOR FOUR STRAIGHT MINUTES WITHOUT STOPPING. THAT’S SURELY A RECORD, RIGHT? IT’S NOT. BUT YOU’RE SO PROUD OF YOURSELF, YOU DON’T CARE. YOU DECIDE TO REWARD YOURSELF BY STOPPING FOR THE DAY. YOU’VE EARNED IT!

When the alarm sounds, close your workstation, smile, and feel good about a job well done. With this helpful time-management technique, you can accomplish anything!


And now a quick joke...

ALWAYS recycle dead batteries. NEVER put them in the garbage. My brother WILL go through your trash and he WILL throw them at me if he finds them!!