Our president is like America’s abusive father. My father abused me as a child by holding 90-minute debates in my bedroom when I was trying to sleep. When I watched the presidential debate, I had flashbacks to that trauma. Apart from that, it was a great night of entertainment.

Our president is like a problematic uncle who turns Thanksgiving dinner conversation to racist topics. Every time I’ve been to a dinner party with our president, he sits next to my problematic uncle, and they talk practically in unison. I let them do their thing because I have social anxiety. Sometimes I even agree with them to egg them on, because they’re actually pretty funny. You should see them. They’re like clowns!

Our president is like an abusive husband. When I watch our president on television, I am basically our president’s wife, and when I watch late night TV shows, I am the wife of Seth Meyers. When I watch SNL my eyes dart around trying to figure out whose wife I am. It gives me a headache—and there are different people in every sketch! When I have a work call with two men in it, I first have to decide which one is my lover and which one is my dad. Then it’s all smooth sailing from there.

Our president is like the guy in grad school who never does the readings but has the most to say during seminar. Our president is the type of guy who spends a year applying to grad school and gets into grad school. Our president is like the guy in your grad school cohort that you hook up with and doesn’t call you back, but you let it slide because he’s so damn sexy. I wish our president would read more books by women. I wonder if our president owns a bed frame. Our president is David Foster Wallace. Our president is so loud, a feature of discussion courses I’ve attended. Basically, our president is my peer who talks a lot.

Our president is America’s abusive mother! No, that’s not right.

Our president is like my high school boyfriend, because he’s tall, and he’s like my college boyfriend, because I read his Twitter when I’m drunk. Our president is like Marilyn Monroe (blonde) and like JFK (famous). Our president is like a guy from television who wears a suit, and like a different guy from television who dresses casual. Our president is like me before I’ve had my coffee! Or he is like a barista I wouldn’t tip, which is all baristas. Our president is like my cousin named Donald. Our president is like my father, and I am our president’s wife. Every president is like a guy I know, and every guy I know is like my dad, and my dad is like my brother, and my brother doesn’t text back. Through extrapolation, I know basically everybody in the world. Our president is like most people—so if they were in his shoes, I assume most people would act just like our president. Here are more little ideas I’m testing. Our president is unapologetically human. Our president is high camp. Our president is McDonald’s, but I’m not sure why I think that and I won’t be explaining. Our president is a lot of things, but I don’t read the newspaper anymore so I’m just kind of guessing.