Dear Mr. Daniel Snyder,
You and your Washington Football Club have been afforded a bold opportunity. After years of obstinately defending a mascot deemed disparaging to Native Americans, you can be a change agent and modernize the business of sports mascots. I implore you to take one small step for fans and one giant leap for mascots everywhere.
Why do we allude to the past when the present offers so much material? Would confronting a Buccaneer or Pirate in 2020 incite fear in anyone? What’s more intimidating in today’s world: a 5'9″, 140 lb swashbuckler with Florsheim boots and a handlebar mustache or, a Millennial in a hoodie crushing Rockstar energy drinks while he hacks your Facebook account? Sourdough Sam, the current San Francisco 49er's mascot, is an old prospector with an Ace Hardware pickaxe who dances to the Fugees. Now imagine the home-field advantage for the San Francisco Identity Thieves as their mascot, Guccifer 7.0, announces credit card information of the opposing players’ wives from a darkened luxury box at various times during the game.
I respectfully request that you not be mundane like so many universities and franchises and go the safe route of animals—Bears, Lions, Tigers, Bulldogs, and Wildcats. The Berenstains were bears, and they were all candy asses. So was the elephant Babar who wore a bespoke suit and dined at 2-star Michelin restaurants. I have a French Bulldog who is scared of a mop. And how dangerous are Tigers if someone with the brains and brawn of Joe Exotic can handle them?
And let’s be honest, names based on the city’s history or trademark features—Steelers, Brewers, Padres, and Avalanche—don’t exactly give you much wiggle room. The Washington Gerrymanderers? Lobbyists? Unmarked Federal Agents?
What if the team decides to leave Washington? Not a problem, here are some other ideas:
Memphis Methheads: Pre-game festivities to include a cheap knock-off of Oklahoma’s Sooner Schooner as teams enter the field behind a beat-up 2002 Nissan Sentra filled with Taco Bell wrappers.
Tulsa Anti-Maskers: Their mascot could be a guy in a MAGA hat hanging out all alone and making snide remarks at the referee and his own players.
New Jersey Road Rage: Depending on the score or point spread, opponents will be partially blocked from entering and leaving the locker room by a black Ford F-150 with red flames blaring Bon Jovi.
Stamford Karens: Upon entering the stadium, their mascot, Chief Marketing Officer, will present fans with a powerpoint on proper etiquette as well as random criminal sketches of opposing players.
Brooklyn Mimes: Marcel the Mascot will be despised by virtually every opponent’s fanbase for his relentless condescension and silent performance art mockery during a home team victory.
Wichita Face Tattoos: Their mascot will be a Post Malone doppelgänger or short-order cook on break from Texas Roadhouse or Red Lobster.
Omaha Drunk Uncles: Really any guy in the stadium can serve as mascot for that week. A virtual lock on Thanksgiving games, but will likely lead the league every season in dumb penalties.
Fargo Telemarketers: The team will never lose hope, no matter how dire the situation may be. They're bound to be able to instill mental pain and anguish effortlessly. Plus, bundled merchandise sales will be off-the-charts.
Des Moines DMV Workers: The team strategy will be to run out the clock in an agonizing fashion. Their home stadium will be a life-altering, hot cauldron of ineptitude.
Utah Food Poisoning: Salmonella, a mascot depicting a raw piece of poultry, will make every opponent feel as if they are in a shit show.
Orange County Tweenagers: Not the most physically intimidating mascot but the team’s ambivalence to the outcome and mascot’s high-pitched cackles of “BOOMER!” will throw opponents off their game.