If you’re reading this that means you want to make money. That’s awesome! This article is definitely for you!

My Life Before Robinhood

When I was in college I was very idealistic. I believed money was the root of all evil. My friends, my girlfriend, and my professors all agreed with me too! It was only after graduation I realized “money-hater” is not a paying job. Pretty soon my finances spiraled out of control and I was flat broke. Creditors started tapping my phones. The bank repossessed my Razor scooter. My girlfriend broke up with me because she was tired of using pillowcases for clothing. I said, “Hey wait, that’s a good idea,” and began using pillowcases for clothing.

Things kept getting worse. The bank went a step further and repossessed my sneakers with the wheels in them. My landlord threatened to evict me, but I was able to convince them to let me stay. I said, “Mom, please let me stay,” and it worked!

So, I bucked off all ideals and decided to make money on the stock-market. And luckily, that’s when I came across the investment app, Robinhood.

Getting Started

You’ll need a smartphone to download the app, or you can use your stepdad’s phone while he mows the lawn, which is what I did instead of helping him mow the lawn like I promised. Keep in mind there are a few different kinds of trading you can do, so it’s important to develop a strategy. I tried swing trading, but I guess I misunderstood what that meant, because the cops got called the second I showed up at the playground.

My First Investments

After pawning some of my mom’s lavender perfume without her knowledge, I took the $12.67 and put it into the app. Invest in things that you’re passionate about. For me, that meant investing in companies that only manufacture piano accordions. Inexplicably, I made almost no money.

Hire a Coach

After two months my initial investment had shrunk by 50% because the market for accordions is very small, apparently. I knew it was time to shake things up. I went on Craigslist and hired a financial coach and it was the best decision of my life. Even though he wouldn't use his real name, or meet with me in-person, I enjoyed reading the encrypted text messages he sent at odd hours from various international phone numbers.

With his guidance, I was able to set up an offshore account in the Cayman Islands, which is something I would never have thought of!

My Big Break

My coach was able to tell me the exact number of shares of a certain stock to buy at a specific time of day because a merger or something was going to be announced. Not only that, he told me how to leverage it all together in a very complicated scheme of stop-limit-orders and trailing-stop-orders. By the end of the day, my Robinhood account went from $6.33 to $120,050!

Mistakes I Made That You Should Avoid

After I was arrested by the FBI early the next morning, a representative from the Justice Department informed me that I had just committed insider trading. Oops!

It turns out I had just unwittingly laundered money for a North Korean arms dealer with ties to the Russian mob. (My parents were pissed!) My account was frozen, my assets seized, and my Robinhood account went down to $0.

Some Other Minor Mistakes to Watch Out For

Before you meet with the Justice Department, check to see if you're under Russian surveillance. Otherwise, they might see your interview with the prosecution as “cooperating with the authorities” and that’ll probably spook them.

Everything’s fine now, but they kidnapped my step-dad as punishment and only released him after I agreed to smuggle black-market celery sticks into Canada for them.

Looking Back on Lessons I Learned

Since I plead guilty to smaller charges, the SEC let me keep all the money I had initially invested, plus any interest that accrued during my time in federal prison, so my Robinhood account went up to $26 (if you round up)!

My life’s changed drastically since I started investing in Robinhood. For one thing, I was able to buy three new shirts (pillowcases). I also don’t talk to my mom or step-dad anymore. They’re not mad at me, they’re just in Witness Protection and there’s no way to contact them.

So now it’s your turn! Good luck in all your investing adventures!