1. Favorite activity is sitting around the house contemplating whether or not to die.

2. Very prickly in nature.

3. Is keenly aware that you killed its predecessor.

4. Will stab you in self-defense.

5. Often full of poison.

6. Notoriously independent, but secretly wants to be cared for by a mother figure.

7. Spends a significant amount of time in earthen pits.

8. Life story contains at least once instance of drowning.

9. Enjoys pretending to teeter on the brink of breakdown to gain physical and emotional labor from loved ones.

10. Takes longer to mature than most.

11. Great at bottling things up for long periods of time.

12. Has developed extreme coping mechanisms in order to avoid dealing with the harshness of reality.

13. Does not thrive in rainy, European climates.

14. Shockingly good at driving people away.

15. Not nearly as complicated or complex as many are taught to believe.

16. Can sprout brightly-colored flowers when you least expect it.

17. Could potentially live a long and happy life, but probably won’t.

Hamlet: 1–15, 17

My Neglected Cactus: 1–17