20 New Year’s Resolutions to Try While You Wait for the Adderall Shortage to End
Add More Variety to Your Diet: You’ve either forgotten to eat or had eight meals today. Both count.
Emily Knapp is a Colorado based writer and comedian. They're originally from Chicago, but fled west because they really like seeing the sun in February. Their writing has been featured in The Onion, McSweeney's, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Weekly Humorist, and other places on the internet. They can be found in the mountains.
Add More Variety to Your Diet: You’ve either forgotten to eat or had eight meals today. Both count.
Random people keep jostling you to get to the front of the amorphous blob you’ve been waiting in for 30 minutes.
Ulysses S. Grant: A cup of whole beans--Starbucks Christmas Blend--to eat raw as he squashes his enemies.
I can’t and I can’t even. Whatever phrase works best for you to understand that I can’t help you.
I woke up today thinking it was Thursday, but it turns out it might be Tuesday. I’m not really sure because both of them start with a “T.”
Listen to your yelp as you touch my hot leather seats. Feel the burn, baby. I can feel the panic rising in your breath.