Ooh, baby it is hot in here. Do you feel that? That’s the suffocating feeling of your car having sat in the sun for four hours while you worked inside with some nice, cool AC. I know you were just trying to make a quick trip to the grocery store for five-dollar sushi, but I am here to remind you that I control your fate.

Listen to your yelp as you touch my hot leather seats. Feel the burn, baby. It’s all in good fun and I just want us to have a good time.

I can feel the panic rising in your breath, hear you moan and groan as you quickly turn on the car and switch you AC to full blast. Only to find that I am full of hot air.

But, don’t be discouraged, sweetie. I’ll warm you up and then cool you right off. Give you a downright sensory experience.

I know what you’re thinking: “Maybe I can wait to go to the grocery store. Maybe it isn’t worth it!” But then, who is going to give you that sweet, sweet release of cold air on your body that you so desperately want? That’s right. Me.

Besides, there’s no way your house AC is as good as me. I’ll make you sing with ecstasy and then you’ll just keep coming back for more. Meanwhile that window box trash you can an “in-unit” AC will continue to blow air to everyone who enters the room. It’ll give its cool deliciousness to every room in the house! But you can guarantee that I will give you singular, undivided attention. No need to worry about lack of trust, hurt feelings, and jealousy with me. I’m all yours.

Now, now, now, don’t go trying to roll down the windows. You know that will make it harder for me to cool you off. Besides, I haven’t gotten to the best part: I’m good for your environment.

You seem like an eco-conscious kind of woman, based on the leggings made of recycled water bottles and the lack of make-up. With me, I’ll keep your footprint virtually nonexistent. Sure, it wastes more gas and pumps more pollutants into the air, but just imagine the pleasure you will feel when you see that low energy bill. You’ll want to cool off with me for the rest of your life!

Oh no baby, don’t sit your head against the steering wheel. You won’t die! We all have to practice restraint and endure a little teasing in our lives. Wink.

Now listen, let’s work together on this. You want something and I can give it to you. I can give it to you real good. I’ll soothe you with the gentle touch of my luxurious cool air. Go ahead, hit that little air recirculation button. Breathe in only me.

Yes, I know it is “so fucking hot,” but it’s okay, baby. Just give in to my hot, claustrophobic metal shell. I promise, you’ll be relieved soon.

Unfortunately, I’m not giving in that easy. I want you to beg. Yes, give me more of your wants and needs. Show me that you want to be cooled off.

Tell me. Tell me that my AC is better. You know it is. Your house AC doesn’t have anything on me. C’mon. I’m the best! I’m the best. Yes, YES! Slam that wheel. Curse my name! Show me how bad you want it.

Okay, okay. I’ll give it to you. You’ve been so patient. You feel that, baby? That’s the relief of high-quality car AC.


And now a quick joke...

I have a joke about my fear of skydiving but I’m afraid it won’t land.