Featured Starbucks Dark Roast coffee, plus a flask of whiskey from his distillery.
Caramel Apple Spice (no whip), under the impression it’s another alcoholic beverage to chase the dozen ciders he’s already consumed by 9 AM.
Espresso con panna to sober himself up enough to do some presidential duties for a few hours before returning to nurse his wine hangover with… more wine.
Tall Emperor’s Cloud and Mist Green Tea—to be sipped as he colonizes the business and murders everyone involved, from the baristas to the tea leaf pickers.
William Henry Harrison
Chestnut Praline Crème
Grande Caffé Vanilla Frappuccino. When the barista asks for a name for the order, he responds with, “Andrew Jackson sucks.”
Tall French Roast Clover®—but feels a little self-conscious saying “tall” as everyone stares at him in his top hat.
Ulysses S. Grant
A cup of whole beans—Starbucks Christmas Blend—to eat raw as he squashes his enemies and brings cohesion across the country.
Chester A. Arthur
Venti Caramel Brulée Crème with extra whip even though he has to grab a dozen extra napkins to keep wiping it out of his enormous mustache and muttonchops.
Short espresso macchiato. He then tells the barista to have the second macchiato ready exactly four years in the future, when he will return to pick it up.
Three venti whole-milk cappuccinos, poured into Thermoses so he can immediately head into the wilderness to hunt bears.
Double espresso con panna to sip while thoughtfully reading the newspaper through his scholarly spectacles.
Grande cup of water
Franklin D. Roosevelt
Fair-trade coffee beans to roast at home. Casually implements a new program to improve functionality of the espresso machine and stabilize caramel drizzle sauce pricing.
Caffé Americano. Gives his full name for the cup, causing half the patrons to shout “…Doris Day, Red China, Johnny Ray!” when the barista calls his name with his order.
John F. Kennedy
Hits on the barista by sliding over a card with the phone number to one of his many secret rooms before tearing into five bags of chocolate-covered espresso beans to maintain his high. The barista retreats to the walk-in freezer to scream.
Lyndon B. Johnson
Iced Clover® Starbucks Reserve® Vietnam Da Lat
Tall milk, but once he receives it, claims he never ordered milk and actually ordered a venti lemonade. The barista pulls out the receipt and shows that he did, in fact, order a tall milk.
Pays for Nixon’s tall milk and venti lemonade.
Iced Peach Green Tea Lemonade in his own reusable travel mug.
Caramel Frappuccino, served in two cups, with the caramel from the first cup expected to trickle down into the caramel-less second one even though it’s physically impossible.
George H. W. Bush
Evolution Fresh Organic Vital Berry juice after dealing with the inevitable “broccoli smoothie” jokes from the baristas, just to prove he eats healthy stuff.
Iced Passion Tango Tea
George W. Bush
Venti Blonde Roast, which he orders as “Texas-sized” and cracks up at his own joke. Also asks if Starbucks would be willing to let him sell some of his paintings. The barista sighs.
Short Earl Gray hot tea. Asks the barista if his annual “Barack Obama’s Favorite Music” playlist and Renegades podcast can be added to the store’s audio repertoire. The barista sighs again.
White Chocolate Crème Frappuccino topped with a scoop of local Delaware ice cream from his personal supply.