If you’re just graduating kindergarten, you have a fantastic opportunity to at least try and set yourself up for a solid foundation that might carry you into elementary school. If you plan on making any sort of headway in the economy that you’re about to inherit, you better get moving. Here are eleven money moves you should make right now.
1. Learn as much as you can about investing. Take advantage of your brain plasticity and watch Fluffy the Dinosaur’s “How to Destroy Wall Street” the next time you’re allotted some screen time. You need to understand several complex financial products and how the previous generations screwed you so badly that it’s practically impossible to ever get ahead.
2. Pay off your debts, if you have any. Do you owe Jimmy a dollar for that chocolate bar for his soccer team that he let you have? What about that tomato you smashed at Kroger that Mommy was forced to buy? Pay your debts back as soon as possible in order to start fresh as you move up the ladder of education and life. Going into first grade with a load of debt is just as bad as not researching your no-load mutual funds over summer.
3. Find out where the hidden money is. Relentlessly search couch cushions, the family car, the washing machine, and junk drawers for any loose change. Follow the “Finders keepers” philosophy, but resist the urge to steal, at least until you’ve hit the top 1% where it’s not only permitted, but required.
4. Find High-Yield Savings Accounts. Every penny you find at recess needs to be thrown in the highest interest-bearing account you can find. Just make sure they’re not all pennies since they’ll probably stop making them in about five years. If you find any copper pennies or silver nickels, melt them down and sell them on the black market.
5. Build your credit. Apply for a credit card and request a credit increase every six months for the rest of your life. This is the only way you’ll be able to afford rent, and that’s with roommates. Quadruple your efforts if you want a house.
6. Start making a budget. Since you can hold a pencil, can write a little, and plan on going to college, you’re going to need a strict budget. The out-of-control tuition inflation will make a college education extremely difficult by the time you’re old enough, so invest in fake applications to help you get a full scholarship now. And while you can tolerate the volatility, start aggressively investing in crypto currencies and begin day-trading.
7. Create an emergency fund. For the average six-year-old this is about $5 in coins. You need to magically increase that by at least 6,000% in the next twelve years just to scrape by.
8. Fund your own retirement account. The best time to start investing is when you’re born. The second best time is when you’re completely potty-trained. Max out your yearly retirement limits ASAP since Social Security and Medicare will be long gone before you get a chance to use it. Get a fake ID and figure it out.
9. Utilize tax breaks. Start some small businesses and several side hustles for all the tax advantages they have to offer. Forget about opening a lemonade stand or delivering newspapers. They’re literally child’s play. Instead, create some apps, start a cutesy YouTube channel, and create some downloadable courses. Find an accountant on the dark web to cook your books.
10. Protect your most valuable asset. Is it your tricycle? Your rock collection? Your blankie? Nope. It’s you. At current interest and inflation rates, you’re going to need to live until about 120 to comfortably retire. So be sure to take regular baths, get some Band-Aids for those ouchies, and look both ways before crossing the street.
11. Get adopted by a rich family and inherit their fortune.