Sorry my dress was so loud.

I mean it literally since the newspaper layers made so much noise. A dress made out of newspaper is not as glamorous as it seems. I know it looked sexy as hell, but sitting in a theater for a couple of hours made the ink get all over my skin. I'm also sorry that they shut down Broadway because of me.

It definitely wasn't because of the pandemic. They could have easily implemented mitigation measures such as selling a quarter of the seats, requiring everyone to wear masks, and regularly testing all the cast members. No, the Broadway League called me a “triple threat” since I caused a scene at every show, stalked cast members, and made everyone around me feel unsafe.

To be clear, I love Broadway shows the same way Lennie loved his puppy: to death.

I can't just sit and watch a musical. Like, when I watched Newsies, I literally wanted to be a Newsie. I made a newspaper dress for each show, out of the used prop newspapers that I found in the dumpster outside the theater. I didn't just do this with Newsies. I also dressed up as the mask from Phantom, the actual Book of Mormon, and the letter from Dear Evan Hansen. I memorized all the songs and sang along just loud enough so everyone around me went insane.

I owned season tickets to all the shows. They don't actually sell season tickets, but I prepaid for the best seat in every theater just so I could pick whatever one I felt like that night. Depending on matinees, I was here about eight times a week, watching a musical and clapping the loudest. I also collected all the programs people left behind and made them into shrines, effigies of the cast members, and adult diapers (I couldn't miss any second of a show!)

Broadway is super emotional for me. The hardest I've ever laughed, cried, or climaxed was at a show. Sometimes I scared the people around me or got tears on them. If I got any on you during “Seize the Day,” I sincerely apologize. My newspaper hankie wasn't at all absorbent.

It should be obvious, but I know every cast member in every show. And their understudies. Most people could probably tell since I'd call out their names in a disappointed manner if they performed a weak jump or didn't project well. It was usually my fault since I wore them out by having passionate sex with them backstage. Only two of them filed restraining orders.

Now all days are Dark Mondays and it's the absolute worst. I still make a newspaper dress or another outfit and try to spend most of the day stalking some of the actors around town, if I can find them. Then I go home and watch a movie version and scream-sing along with it. Other days I might get arrested.

I've spent my whole life in and around Broadway. My mother, who was a musician for Rent, gave birth to me in the orchestra pit of the Nederlander Theater. I hope to one day carry on this tradition by using the stored DNA I kept of my favorite cast members to fertilize my eggs. Once Broadway reopens, I plan on giving birth during the curtain calls. For that night I'll be sure to bring extra newspapers.

Well, I hope you enjoy your day. Although I know I will enjoy it more.

By the way, do you still have your program?


And now a quick joke...

Ideas for improving the Kindle: add the ability to play music, watch movies, lose the whole “reading” thing.