Living Room Swear Jar: $2

Dining Room Swear Jar: $1

Dark Corner Of The Attic Swear Jar: $57

Kitchen Swear Jar: $2

Bathroom Swear Jar: $1

Crevasse Underneath The Toilet Swear Jar: $84

Front Yard Swear Jar: $2

Backyard Swear Jar: $1

Perched Atop The Snooze Button On The Alarm Clock At 6:59 AM Swear Jar: $85

Garage Swear Jar: $3

Inside The Daily Newspaper I’ve Picked Up And Unfolded For A Leisurely Read Swear Jar: $88

Home Office Swear Jar: $0

Between The Couch Cushions Where I’m Feeling Around For The Remote Swear Jar: $97

Laundry Room Swear Jar: $4

Jumping Out From Under The Dryer Lid I’ve Opened Just As My Eyes Adjusted To The Overhead Light Swear Jar: $102

Upstairs Hallway Swear Jar: $0

Upstairs Hallway At Night After Hearing A Nearby Scuttering Swear Jar: $42

Cradled In The Hood Of My Sweatshirt I Wore For A Run And Pulled Over My Head As It Started Raining Swear Jar: $49

Nestled In The Tip Of My Running Shoe That Goes Completely Unnoticed Until About Three Miles Into The Same Run Swear Jar: $52

Walking Home Barefoot And Half Naked Swear Jar: $15

Shower Swear Jar: $247

Shower With All The Lights On And No Shower Curtain And No Curtain Rod And Holding A Gun Swear Jar: $0

Closet Where I’ve Been Staked Out Watching A Box-And-Stick Trap With My Running Shoe As Bait And Waiting For Hours Swear Jar: $0

Closet Where I Get Hungry After Hours Of Waiting And Make A Sandwich For Myself Swear Jar: $0

Crawling Out From The Sandwich I Was About To Bite Into Swear Jar: $393

Tree House I’ve Decided To Live In For The Foreseeable Future Until I Muster Up The Courage To Burn Down My House Swear Jar: $3

Bedroom Where I Intend To Rescue My Wife And Instead Discover A Cluster Of Tarantulas Resembling A Man Sitting On The Edge Of The Bed With Her, Listening To Her Talk About Dealing With My Fears While Offering Her Kleenex Swear Jar: $17

Refrigerator Where My Child’s Drawings Hang Depicting The Tarantula Cluster As A Superhero Saving My Wife And Kids From A Plus-Size Villain Who Looks A Lot Like Me Swear Jar: $16

Courthouse Where The Tarantula Cluster (Who Apparently Has A Law Degree) Representing My Soon-To-Be Ex-Wife Shows The Judge My Rough Sketches Of How I Was Going To Burn Our House To The Ground And Then Dance Maniacally In The Ashes Swear Jar: $10

The Tarantula I See Jumping On My Face Every Time I Blink Swear Jar: $931

Inside “The Tarantula I See Jumping On My Face Every Time I Blink Swear Jar” Swear Jar: $931


And now a quick joke...

The hordes of out-of-towners who descended upon Walden Pond were told that the Thoreau Fair was a stone’s throw from the thoroughfare.