All I Want for Christmas Is a Norse Pagan Scorn-Pole
I’ve been silently scorning them for years and I’m ready to take it up a notch—with a decapitated horse head and powerful pagan curses.
Comedy Writing
At Ding-Dong Design, We’ve Got All Your Phallic Landscaping Needs Covered
Maybe you’ve wondered to yourself while mowing your lawn, “Hey, why isn’t my backyard shaped more like a shaft and two balls?”
This Test Tests Your Professional Competency at Taking Tests
A slew of multiple-choice questions that are, at best, only tangentially related to your actual performance or knowledge in a professional capacity.
List: A Taxonomy of North American Public Men’s Room Dick Drawings
Weak and easily preyed upon, the Sickly Spotted Woody Pecker has evolved to compensate for its innate physical disadvantages.
Excerpt from “Norse Mythology for Bostonians: A Transcription of the Impudent Edda”
Brady: Known as Balder & nicknamed the White or the Beautiful, Brady is the most attractive of the gods, and most popular since he started playing QB.
When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemon-Ale with Thor
You can either let those lemons get you down, or you can absolutely crush the shit out of those lemons by channeling the inebriated fury of Thor.
List: Freudian Slip Exclamations
This is going to hell in a hand-job! / What in masturbation?! / Fallopian out loud! / No shit, short-cock.
HGTV Announces “The Joyce Byers Complete Home Makeover Show”
Witness participants’ dreams of a new home go unfulfilled as they contend with Joyce’s dismantling of their house to find her missing son, Will.
List: Similarities Between the One Ring and a Typical Smartphone
Facilitates voyeurism into the lives of others who possess similar units. Provides a platform that helps unite and embolden the forces of evil.
I Have a Passion for Ecologically Restoring the Habitat of the Beast
Wetland restoration is about creating a clean, oxygen-rich pit so that a seven-headed behemoth might emerge from its depths and enslave us all.
Highlights From Squanto’s Plymouth Colony Twitter Feed
“What’s the deal with @Massasoit contradicting himself everytime he mentions me in a tweet or talks to the press?”
The Key to Success Here is Talking for Talking’s Sake
My advice is to ask her about her Fitbit as soon as possible, and then to make it a daily routine to inquire about her step count.