You look like a discerning gentleman. A man who knows what he wants, what he needs. A man who knows that the world is filled with danger. With intrigue. Full of shadowy situations and sketchy characters. A place that you need protection from. Where will that protection come from? I’ll tell you where. Got a mirror? Get it. Now look into it. Deep into it. What do you see?

If the answer’s not a future karate master, then I don’t even know why you’re reading this letter. Just go drop it in the dumpster and enjoy the rest of your life getting beaten up and pushed down.

But, if you saw a warrior in that mirror, then friend, we need to talk.

Maybe you have a family. Maybe you don’t. It’s your choice, I’m in no position to judge. I just know that if I had a family or was thinking about buying one, I’d want to be able to keep them safe. At least for a little while. And who's going to keep your family safe? The police? Your dog? Go get that mirror again.

I’m not just telling people to be safe, I’m showing them how to do it. How? Through my 12-part karate school correspondence course.

That’s right, correspondence course. This is an old school, mail order karate class. Just like they used to do it. We’re not doing this online, it’s too easy, too predictable (plus I’m not allowed to get online for 18 more months, minimum).

This is a mail-order class so that I can control the number of people who learn these karate styles. We don’t need everyone running around doing these karate moves. If the bad guys got their hands on this course, man, look out.

To this point, every student will need to be properly approved to prove that they are interested in the mystical arts for good and that they aren’t up to mischief, or that they are not a robot or a highly advanced dog. To do this, once you enroll, I’ll need to stay at your house for a couple of days. If everything checks out, you’re in. If something isn’t right though, well man I hope you have homeowners insurance.

What will you learn through my karate course? Just look at the topics of the first eight classes:

Week One: Dress Like a Champion

Week Two: How to Swiftly Kick Someone in the Nuts

Week Three: How to Avoid Getting Swiftly Kicked in the Nuts

Week Four: Homemade Nunchucks

Week Five: Sweep the Leg (On Your Way to Kicking Them in the Nuts)

Week Six: The Art of Misdirec– Look!

Week Seven: Karate Moves That Can be Performed in the Shower

Week Eight: Combination Karate: Move #1: Head-Head-Nuts

I will teach you the kind of karate that other people are scared of. Flailing Sailor. Captivating Duck. Wild Octogenarian. Others will say there is no karate known by those names. Well, there is. Everyone is just too scared to practice and teach it. Everyone but me.

My credentials

  • My karate moves have been described as “sweet” by lots of people. Including many I do not know.
  • I own several real throwing stars.
  • I have a Black Belt (it’s reversible with a brown side for nights out).
  • I’ve seen The Karate Kid close to 30 times. (The real Karate Kid, don’t get me started on that remake.)
  • I have extensive experience in getting beaten up. I know what it takes to win.
  • I’ve written some highly regarded Kung Fu Panda fanfiction.

I’m so confident in my karate that I’m willing to fight you anytime day or night. (You’ll just have to come to my house or send bus fare.) All that I ask is, when I beat you, you’ll agree that I have the superior karate and sign up for my class.

Payment Plan

These are affordable lessons. We don’t charge by the chop like so many high priced karate schools. We operate lean and pass the savings on to you. So enroll today. Your life just may depend on it!

Special Offer

Sign up today for a free, no-obligation special lesson “'Hi-Yaaa!' and Other Phrases to Yell in a Karate Battle.” If you’re not convinced after reading that, I got nothing more to say except prepare for that lifetime of beatings.