Have you ever taken an afternoon nap so blissfully peaceful that all your stresses just melted away and then had a freight train crash into the side of your house? That's the feeling I try to convey every time the startup screen fires up. I am Netflix's deafening sound effect and I love every minute of my life.
I come from a long line of well-known yet obnoxious sounds. My father was the blast from a cruise ship, my uncle was the exhaust rattle of a Harley, and my mother was a siren. I’m proud to carry on this family tradition for Netflix.
Even though I'm only about twenty years old, I already know everything there is about you. I know what movies and TV shows you like, and exactly how much time you spend watching episode after episode of the mindless drivel that is shoved down your throat. But my business lies elsewhere. I know when you're going to fall asleep, so when you least expect it, I can explode and knock your goddamn contacts out.
I’ve refined my skills over the years. Once, at an older gentleman’s home, I had a little too much fun and actually stopped his heart. I got so excited I emitted my sound a few more times and it acted as a defibrillator. It was then I realized my massive power, and that I will only use it for evil.
Oh, it's not always fun and games for me. I occasionally serve a higher purpose for the corporate bean counters. They use me as the sonic boom to target the part of your brain that is responsible for memory. I make long-time subscribers like you forget that they're paying $14 per month for a service that has a dreadful amount of poor quality movies. As you approach your billing cycle, if we ever have an increase in price, or if we make another disappointing change in selection, I ramp up my intensity and make you forget all about it.
Don’t you ever wonder why you keep binging your way through another 12-season series of some garbage show that you’d never watch on broadcast TV? I know the precise decibel level that is just above “knock out a candle” and just below “cause heart attack.” In three seconds flat I hit that sweet spot like clockwork, baby.
The social engineers at Netflix just love me to death. The team slowly and imperceptibly reduces the dialogue volume over the course of whatever movie you're watching which makes you crank it up to obnoxious levels. So, when you happen to let the movie end and pass out on your comfy couch, I can secretly jump right in and jar the bones right out of your lazy ass.
While you're passed out after another long veg-out session in front of the TV, I dream about a 65-inch screen as I get pumped through a custom-built surround sound system in the quietest place on the planet: the anechoic chamber at Orfield Laboratories in Minnesota. The decibel level there is around -9.4 and I am in ecstasy as I destroy that place just like I'm about to destroy your little siesta.
So go ahead and “Netflix and Chill” because I’ll be watching the entire time. I’ll be waiting until you and your lover pass out in a sweet embrace as the serene credit music rolls on by. As you both succumb to the sandman and drift away in what may be the best restful sleep you’ve ever had– BA-BOOM! Wake up motherfuckers!
I am the sound of Netflix, and I love my job.