TITLE: MEMO TO WRITERS OF TEN COMMANDMENTS FROM GOD

FROM: GOD
TO: MARKETING TEAM
CC: MOSES, HR DEPARTMENT
RE: “RULES OF LIFE” DRAFT FEEDBACK

Dear Team,

In reference to the latest WIP on the above project.

I’m not sure we are on the same page with this. We are establishing the rules of life for all mankind. What you’ve come up with is at best, “Living For Dummies.” It needs to be short and sharp if we are to move the needle on this. BuzzFeed does well with listicles. Maybe a list would lead to better engagement with our target demographics? See if we can get a list of ten. Remember people will be reading this on their tablets so it needs to draw them in early.

I have provided further feedback below.

We are an open democracy and welcome 180-degree feedback circle.

This is a weak start; we need to come up with a strong first point that will set the tone. Remember the persuasive writing workshop I sent you all on in June?

I am responsible for all mankind and need to assert my authority. I want to come out strong, this is not a democracy. Something like I am the Supreme Ruler. The All-Powerful. Workshop some strong titles for me. Something that would look good for me on LinkedIn.

Feel free to choose up to five of your favorite idols to follow.

Per my feedback on the previous point. This not Canaan Idol and people do not get to vote. There should be no others. Let’s make the second point a copy of the first. I don’t want any challenges to my position.

Killing, cheating, stealing is bad.

These are important KPIs. They should be highlighted as their own action point to reinforce this. Also, the language isn’t strong. Let’s get Shakespearean with this. He is a successful writer that we can learn from. I’d love to see a few “thou”s in there. And “covet.” A strong word. Let us not just reach for the low-hanging fruit. We saw what happened to Adam.

A five-day work week is plenty. Enjoy your weekends.

Guys this seems like a passive-aggressive dig at senior management. I’ve said until this project is launched, we work as much as required. I don’t need to remind you I created this whole planet in six days. And by myself with little bandwidth. The least you can do is to get this project complete by end of month. I’ve given you one day off. That’s plenty. Put that on the list—one day a week to rest. And if you aren’t up for the work then you shouldn’t be working for this company. Go and be a shepherd.

Respect to your momma.

OK, has Mary been in your ears? Complaining about being a single mother? I have a full-time job. 24/7. 365 days. Not even the Sabbath off (which in reference to the point above I give you guys off). I’ll be there for Jesus' birthday. And for Christmas Day. Thank Me it’s the same day. It takes a man and a woman to create a child. Get dads on the list.

God is such an ass.

Now I know why Judas tried to recall the email. How did this comment slip in? I hear you guys complaining about me in the staff canteen. Show some respect. In fact, add a point about not saying bad things about me. And Judas, HR will circle back to you soon.

This is mission critical; I’ve booked Mount Sinai for the launch next week and if we postpone it will be an eternity until we can get another booking. We need to pull the trigger by COB Friday. There is a book deal on the horizon, and we need to start writing that for release this financial year to meet our projected budgets.

Your Lord (maybe you can use that?),

God

“Please consider the environment before printing”


And now a quick joke...

“The only way out is through.” —Me, forcing myself to finish the expensive iced coffee that I bought but don’t really like.