Listen, I’m sorry you’re depressed, truly. But I need you to stop saying things like “It’s March 126th.” Or “This year won't end it'll go to December 32nd.” This calendar was REALLY hard to come up with, and it’s not my fault your life is a mess. You can be bummed out and still admit it’s November. In fact, that’s probably more reason to be stressed. It’s cold and you have to ritually slaughter a turkey. I’m sorry, I was alive in the 16th century, I don’t really get what Thanksgiving is. Is that what you do? It seemed like the gist of it.

Also, you’re still using my calendar! As soon as it turned October 1st pumpkin spice was being sold like it was crack. People were wearing sweaters when it was 80 degrees out! Speaking of which, 80 degrees in October is messed up. You barely needed a calendar in my time. You knew it was winter because your neighbor froze to death. But you, you all wouldn’t even be able to tell what season it was without me! You can’t have it both ways. You don’t get to pretend it’s the month’s fault you have nine balls of yarn and still haven’t learned how to knit, while simultaneously using it to justify putting your dog in an outfit he hates. Also, if you learned how to knit, you could make the outfit for your dog. You spent $70 so he could look like Luigi. Which, as an Italian, is a little offensive. Maybe it’s not the month’s fault your life is a mess. Maybe you just have poor decision-making skills.

And do you know how hard this calendar was to get made? We didn’t have sexy firemen to sell it. I had to send my brother to convince Pope Gregory XIII to change it. And then, the pope named it after himself! He didn’t even know how it worked. Literally asked if we could rename March to Popeuary. That's a lie, but he could have. And England still wouldn’t use it for 170 years! Like, I’m sorry I want you all to be able to tell time, that seemed like a good thing. But they threw a riot over it! When they finally changed to my calendar it went from September 2nd to September 14th, and they demanded the government “give them their 11 days.” That's insane! And I know their math is… questionable, but it’s also not the point.

Because that’s you. That’s how you sound. It’s the same day whether or not it’s a good one. Do you know how accurate my calendar is? It’s only off by 26 seconds A YEAR! It won’t even be a full day off until 4909. I don’t know what we do then. Maybe have a second leap day? But put it in the middle of the month to screw with people. Like you just have Tuesday twice for some reason, and no one explains it. If you’re not going to respect the calendar that’s what you get.

And look, I get it, it’s a pandemic, that’s tough, I wouldn’t know what that’s like. Oh, wait, no, I survived over 20 plague outbreaks in Italy, and wrote my pitch to the Pope during the worst one! I created a system of measuring global time while dodging the Black Death! You can handle remembering whether or not it’s still June. And it’s snowing, so, it’s not.

Also, you guys have actual doctors. We had random guys in terrifying plague masks. Imagine some dude dressed like a bird throwing leeches at you. That was our medicine. I created a calendar when that was the current state of science.

I understand this is a coping mechanism. And, for some of you, revenge against me for your partner being able to confirm you forgot their birthday. That also feels like it’s mostly on you, though I at least get where you’re coming from. But if you try to contain life sucking to a month or year? Hoo boy, you are going to be disappointed.

My advice? Try containing it to a place. Like whenever anything bad happens run to your closet. Only let bad things happen there. I don’t know, I mostly dealt with time, places weren’t really my thing. Which is to say, go easy on yourself, we can’t all be good at everything. It’s okay if you’re less productive during a pandemic, it’s okay to focus on your mental health. What’s not okay is pretending you don’t know it’s no longer August. You are screwing with my life’s work for, frankly, a pretty tired bit. Keep this up, and I’m taking away April. Good luck celebrating Arbor Day.


And now a quick joke...

When porpoises work out, do they get a rush of endolphins?