Born by Accident, Cute on Purpose

Nana’s Li’l Alibi

Daddy’s Football Pal, but Definitely not Daddy’s Classical Music and Reading and Other Gay-Ass Shit Pal

Uncle’s Future MVP of the 1982 West Hovendale High School Baseball Team, Which He Totally Would Have Won if Becky Buckner Hadn’t Called Him a Slim-Dick for Not Taking Deadman’s Curve on Route 12 at 80 MPH in His Dad’s Ford Pinto and Then Hadn’t Offered Him a Follow-Up Dare to Ride His Brother’s 4-Wheeler Down the Northwest Side of Carcass Bluff into the West Hovendale Electric Eel Asylum, Which He Accepted and Which Fucked Up His Pitching Shoulder and Also His Sense of Smell

Daddy Says I Can Share Mommy’s Boobs with Him

Uncle’s Future Deadman’s Curve Stunt Driver

Future Sparkle Fairy Princess Ballerina Glitter Pony with Cherry Eyeliner (Sold Separately)

25% Mommy, 25% Daddy, 25% Mommy’s Yoga Coach, 15% Daddy’s Secretary, 5% Guy on Tinder Who Was Into Daddy and Daddy’s Secretary, 5% Lube, 100% PERFECT ME!

Grampa Loves Me, But Not as Much As If I Weren’t So Obviously Biracial

Uncle’s Future EMT, with a Focus on Orthopedic and Neurological Emergencies Related to Weird-Ass Electric Eels

Mommy Loves Me More

Daddy Loves Me More

If Daddy Wasn’t Such a Fat Slob Who Couldn’t Get His Ass Out of Bed to Change My Shitty Diaper at 4 AM, He Might Love Me More, But Really Mommy Loves Me More

Mama Used to Be Pro-Life, but Then I Did Too Much Poo

Uncle’s Future Guy Who Moved Out of His Parents’ Basement Because He Didn’t Get Involved with Becky Buckner and Didn’t Retire from Baseball at 17 and Didn’t Have to Deal with Lifelong Eel Complications