I’m going to be honest with you: I just don’t think it’d be right for me to go trick-or-treating this year. What with global COVID-19 cases on the rise and the regular flu season creeping in—I just don’t see how I could justify the need to go door-to-door for free candy right now. So on October 31st, I’ll be staying home. Only because of the coronavirus, though! Not because I am a 35-year-old adult male with a full-time job. That’s irrelevant, really. Who cares if the job comes with benefits?

You see, I just don’t think it’d be worth it to go trick-or-treating this time around. Dressing up as a ghost and running around yelling “Boo!” sounds somewhat amusing, but not if it’ll risk the lives of others. Besides, there will be other years. There will be plenty of other Halloweens. You have to remember: I’m only 35 years old.

Sure, it’s not every night you get to fill your pillowcase with goodies and parade around the block, but I just don’t think it’s safe—even armed with face masks or hand sanitizers. I think—because of COVID-19—it’s best that I just don’t go out at all this year. This has nothing to with the fact that I’m old enough to have a mortgage and a cholesterol problem. If not for the deathly global pandemic, this would be my 32nd year trick-or-treating and my 22nd year trying to explain to my neighbors why I’m not too old to be doing so.

And yes, maybe there will be some really scary haunted houses. Maybe there will be one of those cool walking-hand-toys that scurries down the sidewalk and scares all the younger kids. Maybe the house on the corner will even give out jumbo-sized chocolate bars again! But sometimes, you have to do the right thing. Make a sacrifice. Be mature for once in your life. It just honestly kind of sucks that nobody will see my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles costume this year.

Gosh, I do worry my kids won’t take it well, though. I mean, they’ll be disappointed, but they have to understand that some things just aren’t okay. Some things are just downright selfish. Like trick-or-treating during a global pandemic. Or telling a full-grown man that only “good little boys and girls” can have your Halloween candy!

Besides, it’s not like I would sneak out to trick-or-treat without my kids. I wouldn’t risk getting them sick just so I could wear a cape or snag some Tootsie Rolls! I’ve just got to be the adult here. Tell them that nobody is going out this year—not even the other kids’ dads. Although, I don’t think I saw any other trick-or-treaters above the age of 10 last year. Or any others with a goatee.

But when it comes to our new reality, I guess I just have to keep reminding myself that I’m not the only one affected by this terrible tragedy. I know it isn’t just hard for me, but if you had told me this was going to happen in March, I don’t think I would have believed you. It’s just been really difficult waking up each day knowing I can’t do anything to change our situation. The virus has honestly been pretty bad too.

So there you have it, I’m not going trick-or-treating this year. I doubt anyone is handing out Halloween candy anyways, but even if they were, it’s not a big deal for me to stay home for the night. Just this one year, though. And only because of COVID-19. So what if I’m a 6-foot-tall adult man with life insurance? I WANT CANDY, DAMNIT.


And now a quick joke...

When porpoises work out, do they get a rush of endolphins?