Your high school bully was captain of the girls’ volleyball team and every guy in town wanted to date her—and now that she’s graduated, she’s somehow doing even better.

Not only does she have a bigger condo and more friends than you, but her hair is like, really thick and shiny too. She went on an all-inclusive vacation with her girlfriends last summer. She got double the number of Facebook birthday messages you did. And you’re not even sure how a body that tight has been through two pregnancies! Because everybody said girls like her would peak in high school, but your bully’s life has honestly only been on the upswing since graduation.

Remember when your high school bully said joining the debate team made you a “try-hard?” She doesn’t. She’s been too busy heading the legal department of a multi-million-dollar firm downtown.

Or the time she asked to cheat off of you in AP calculus? Now her kids are smarter than yours! (I wouldn’t be surprised if those twirps started bullying you too)

And let’s not forget when she told the entire school you were stuffing your bra. Against the literal laws of science, her breasts have only gotten perkier.

Or the time she dissed your prom dress? Called you a “brace-face?” Told the popular kids not to invite you to their parties?

Now she has a golden retriever, and yes, it is fucking adorable.

Because it’s not that you don’t want your high school bully to be happy. It’s just that she doesn’t deserve to! To be clear, this woman tormented you in high school. She made your life a living hell and enjoyed every second of it. Yet she’s the chair of your kids’ school’s Parent Teacher Association? And even your best friend—who was also bullied by her—thinks she’s “kind of cool now?”

You’re not even mad at her for stealing your boyfriend during junior year. You’re mad at her because she now has the audacity to have a hotter husband than you. And he’s actually a nice guy? With a real job? And a full head of hair?

I mean, when will this girl’s luck run out?

She used to trip you in the hallways, tell you that you needed a nose job, and put rude notes in your locker. We’re talking about the girl that “accidentally” spilled her drink on you at homecoming. The girl that booed your solo magic act during the annual talent show. And that’s not even getting into what happened in middle school…

But I guess Forbes didn’t consider that when putting her on their 30 Under 30 list.

And don’t even get me started about her stupid expensive engagement ring! Don’t even get me started about her stupid flawless skin! DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ABOUT HER STUPID NEW KITCHEN AND HER STUPID BEAUTIFUL GRANITE COUNTERTOPS!

Look, I know some things in life just aren’t fair. But her salary is like, a lot higher than yours. And the dinner she put on her Instagram story last night looked really good. Did I mention her apartment has two parking spots? It honestly feels like she’s doing it on purpose at this point.

So yes, the rumours are true: your high school bully is still thriving. She was already doing pretty well for herself, but life has only continued to bless her post-graduation. Not that you’re not jealous or anything. You just figured she’d be doing a lot worse right now—that’s all.

Oh well! So much for karma. Life’s the real bitch (and so is this girl, if we’re being honest).

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