Welcome to Our Savior Fitness Studio, where we combine Catholicism with Crossfit! I'm Hrishi, but you can call me by my Catholic name, Father Gary. Honestly, I almost opened a yoga studio — I'm Hindu, and yoga is a part of my worship — but the market for Hindu-inspired exercise was saturated. But never fear; I have carefully separated the naturally-occurring health benefits of the Catholic Mass out from all of the actual religion.
Please don these Friar robes, made out of moisture-wicking technical fabric. Next, set your intention for today's exercise. Do you need to confess to any mortal food sins? Reconcile yourself to late fees with our billing department? Hold this intention throughout your workout so you can feel proper Catholic guilt the entire time.
Does everyone have a string of rosary beads? It's very important to warm your muscles by lightly flagellating your body. Historically Catholics used flagellation to feel the sufferings of Christ, but we've found it's also a great way to get tight muscles to relax.
Ah, the wisdom of the ancients!
We're ready to begin our Stations of the Cross Sun Salutation series. This will lengthen your muscles for the strength training to come. Bring your hands together in Prayer at Gethsemane position, and then gently open out into Jesus is Crucified position. If it's available to you, make the face of an anguished martyr.
Breathe out, touching your praying hands to your forehead, your heart center, and your toes. Kneel, as if giving obeisance to an all-mighty deity. Let out a long “Amennnnnn” as your forehead touches the floor. Really try to lengthen that last “n” sound. Rise, visualizing your spirit floating to heaven on your upraised hands. We'll repeat that combination ten times until your muscles are long.
You should now feel ready to build strength. We are about to go into a high plank — or as we call it, the Last Supper position. If you can't hold a full plank yet, please use the stack of bibles to your left to modify the position. The stack will wiggle, helping to strengthen your core. All of the Bibles we use - –purely as props — are covered in leather, which wicks away sweat, pulling it away from you and into the pages below. Is your stack of bibles too greasy? Please just chuck them into the trash against the wall. We have more.
Rise. Hold two bibles over your head as weights, and lower yourself into a squat. This is our Hail Mary. You'll see why in a minute. Let out a guttural “I repent!” as you push up out of your squat. Do ten sets of ten reps. Your bum should feel as if it's burning in hellfire!
We will now finish our workout by laying down in the Waiting for Resurrection position. My assistant Chintin– - please call him Father Bob — will spray you down with holy water from his pump-action water gun. He will chant “I am strong enough to pass through the fires of hell and ascend to the heaven of physical fitness.” Remember to shout back “So say we all!” Visualize your body being reborn into a leaner you.
I will now deposit the communion wafer on your tongue. Did you know that this wafer is the perfect combination of sugars and electrolytes to keep you burning fat all day long? Crazy, right? You can find them in packages of fifty in our Cathololemon gift shop, which is in an actual church annex. This entire building used to be a church. Business was terrible for the previous owners so they sold it to us. Please leave the stale donuts alone. Those are just for show!
In the name of the Christ in all of us, I declare this workout over! Take a moment before you leave to thank yourself for spending this time on you. Dump your friar robe in the laundry bag, and exit through our shop. Don't forget to take a look at our sacred fitness items for sale. We're having a special on Jesus pants — 20% off if you buy today!