This is a sweater that I’ve had for a few years. There are three sleeves on it, which I am going to rank based on aesthetics, practicality, and general contribution to my overall sweater-wearing experience.

1. Right sleeve: Not sure where I’d be without this sleeve. It lets my right arm and hand out of the sweater, so I can do important things like writing, opening doors, and more. In addition, it is flawlessly stitched. The right sleeve is simply a must-have on my sweater.

2. Left sleeve: Since my left hand is not my dominant hand, I could probably make it an hour or two without this sleeve, but it wouldn’t be ideal. The left sleeve is very instrumental to the sweater as a whole. It does have a loose thread, which I keep meaning to cut with scissors, but I always forget to do that.

3. Nine-foot-long sleeve located dead center on the sweater: It sucks that this sleeve exists at all. I don’t have an arm for it, so it just flops around, empty, all the time. It also covers up the cute graphic that the sweater was supposed to have, which was a packet of Del Taco mild sauce kicking it by the pool with a drink, captioned “BORN TO BE MILD.” Instead, it just says “BORN,” which gets me a lot of weird looks. Then, once people are looking at me, I trip over the sleeve, because it is so long. I don’t like this sleeve, so it is ranked at the bottom.


And now a quick joke...

“May I have this dense?” the 350-pound groom asked his portly bride on the night of their wedding, which the two had decided would not be a scaled-back affair, but rather one of plump and circumference.