Official Signature Challenge

SUBJECT: Your Vote is Important! Additional Action Required

Dear Voter,

Thank you for submitting your November 2020 General Election ballot. Unfortunately, the signature on the back of your envelope does not match the signature we have on file, which features Shrek ears over the “s” in an apparent reference to the 2001 DreamWorks film starring Mike Myers.

Washington state law requires that these signatures match for your ballot to count. Washington state law also provides very little oversight of 18-year-olds flushed with Obama-era idealism committing their signatures to permanent legal record. In any case, somehow our office missed your playful nod to the critically acclaimed children’s franchise, and now your ballot will not be counted unless you draw Shrek ears over the “s” in your name.

Your vote is important to us and we want to count your ballot. However, to quote the Smash Mouth hit “All Star” that graces the Shrek opening credits, attempts at voter fraud start coming and they don’t stop coming. In fact, lead singer Steve Harwell was inspired to write the song after successfully convincing a poll worker he was Guy Fieri. The ruse was discovered as Harwell fled the polling place, reportedly looking kind of dumb with his finger and his thumb in the shape of an L on his forehead. I’m sure you understand that we cannot let our guard down as long as early-2000s frosted tips and goatee combos threaten the integrity of our elections.

Therefore, we ask that you sign and return the form on the reverse side of this letter, this time including the Shrek ears over the “s” in your name, no later than 4:30 PM Pacific Standard Time, Monday, November 23, 2020.

We understand that this precautionary measure could prevent thousands of votes from being counted in an election with possibly the highest voter turnout in a century. But in a country whose income inequality is higher than that of almost any developed nation, it is imperative that we avoid divisive rhetoric and instead focus on what brings us together. Rich and poor, lord and Fairy Tale squatter, castle and outskirts of an Ogre’s swamp, we stand united against a common enemy: the negligible possibility of someone, somewhere, telling a lie that has no material impact on the outcome of the election. That 14.3 million American households are food insecure and over 560,000 Americans are homeless is undeniably sad (and out of our hands)—but votes nefariously cast by dead and undocumented residents, a widely discredited myth that distracts the public from voter suppression? We have to draw a line in the swamp somewhere. For this reason, we cannot accept your signature that perfectly matches the original, aside from the Shrek ears that you added as a joke in high school.

We admire your dedication to jumping through hoops to participate in the democratic process. Our favorite green-skinned hero knows a thing or two about state-sponsored quests, and we’re sure he would agree that they are created with your best interests in mind.

As a sign of our appreciation for your noble efforts, please accept the enclosed “I Tried to Vote” sticker. Post it on Instagram with the caption, “Elections are like onions—they have layers of bureaucracy to decrease voter turnout!” Or, stick it on Susan B. Anthony’s grave to signify your commitment to improving society the right way: without upsetting people in power.

As Steve Harwell wrote after shaking democracy to its core, only shooting stars break the mold, but freedom famously comes to those who preserve the mold that serves a select few by design. True patriots are less like shooting stars and more like enamel pins of shooting stars streaking across Susan B. Anthony’s grave, available for $20 on Etsy.

Again, we sincerely thank you for taking the time to resubmit your signature with Shrek ears over the “s” to meet standards that we created and yet have no power to change. While there are no guarantees, taking this extra step ensures that your constitutionally protected vote will be considered for counting in the November 2020 General Election. You can return this form by email, mail, in person, or by fax. We really want to get back to you soon. If the Shrek ears match, we may even get to make your voice heard!

Sincerely,
King County Elections


And now a quick joke...

Ever notice how many dinosaur names sound alike? Who came up with all of them anyway, Thesaurus?