Ellen and Kurt are delightful and saw to our every need. The rooms were comfortable, the food was exquisite and my husband and I had a glorious time in the pool until they released those piranhas.” —Jane, Boston.

“The most peaceful night’s sleep I’ve had in years! All you can hear is the ocean, the wind in the trees and a hard-to-identify buzzing, like from a power tool, but once Ellen and Kurt kill you in your sleep, you don’t even care!” —Leonard, Swampscott

“I mean, a lot of places say that someone gets murdered in their B&B every weekend, but Ellen and Kurt make sure it actually happens. They put in the time to make sure someone who was alive when they check in is dead before they check out. It’s just special here.” —Kara, Natick

“Nobody is more welcoming than Ellen and Kurt! From our welcome gift basket full of trick-or-treat candies to all the guidebooks and local knowledge they shared, we can’t imagine a more hospitable couple. We took all five of our kids with us and the one that survived loved finally having the room to himself until he was disemboweled.” —Jaela, Marblehead

“Nothing says ‘hospitality’ like a good old fashioned spooky singalong after funny-tasting champagne, am I right? They sing and sing and sing and sing and sing and sing and sing for so long that you hardly care once Kurt throws that harpoon through your ears!” —Michael, Lynn

“The upstairs bathroom is THE place to enjoy a relaxing hot bath while Ellen and Kurt tandem-cut your throat.” —Marisol, Waltham

“You’ll never know how fun it would be to be pushed to your death from the roof until you try it—the last things you smell are freshly cut grass and pumpkins. Thank you Kurt and Ellen!” —John, Hingham

“Two words: poison pancakes.” —Sally, Brookline

“The paintings all have the eyes that follow you around the room, the furniture is always in a different place than you left it, there’s always blood where you think there should be water and water where you think there should be blood. Thanks Ellen and Kurt!” —Tom, Woburn

“The look of disappointment on Kurt and Ellen’s faces when I died of a heart attack before they could finish me off tells you everything you need to know about the care they put into their gruesome murders. These are artists through and through! Heart hands, Ellen and Kurt!” —Ed, Somerville

“I highly recommend this place to anyone looking to get away from it all for good. Ellen and Kurt could not have been more thorough in their commitment to making sure nobody disturbed us or knew where we were, and they had the foresight to put plastic sheeting down before they sawed us up into little bite-sized pieces—WHICH THEY FED TO US!” —Lisette, Quincy

“At night, if you dare to lie in bed, you hear whispering from every corner of the room. Sometimes it’s just NPR from Ellen’s transistor radio but sometimes it’s Kurt promising to kill you and then he keeps his promise!!” —Will, Revere

“Don’t tell my husband, but Kurt does the sexiest thing with the handle of his Grim Reaper scythe before he splits you in two.” —Linda, Cambridge

“I’m still trembling from the double-scissoring session where you’re scissoring with Ellen and then she stabs you in the neck with a pair of scissors in her Sorceress Scissor Salon.” —Sara, Scituate

“If you’ve been looking for the perfect place to have a stranger dressed as an evil scarecrow disfigure your husband, torture him on a moonlit beach and meet your every erotic need before tying you to driftwood and casting you into an angry ocean from the back of a stolen fishing trawler, look no further! Ellen and Kurt took care of me every year I was able to escape death and come back with a new husband.” —Joan, Medford

“Ellen and Kurt provide the ultimate existential erotica: with your demise around every dark corner, will you live long enough for Ellen to pleasure you with her famous Corn on the Macabre? Will you and your husband lose track of each other during the ‘Horrorgy?' Will Kurt secretly ravish you before the blood-and-cheese tasting? You just don’t know. You’ll find erotic pleasure in just being alive. Mortality is the freakiest aphrodisiac!!! Your inner voice will finally scream!!! As your spirit catapults away, your throat will strain with eternal orgasm!!! You’re not just dead, you’re sexually-spent-dead, ghoulish-glee dead, devil-may-care-but-I-don’t dead. AND there’s free Wifi!!! FIVE POINTY STARS for Ellen and Kurt! XOXOXOXOXOXOX!!!” —Tracy, Dedham


And now a quick joke...

“The only way out is through.” —Me, forcing myself to finish the expensive iced coffee that I bought but don’t really like.