Oops, did I get you with my beak? Yeah right in the eye—these Venetian masks are a real bitch! How does anyone keep their depth perception with these? And they’re deceptively sharp for how phallic they are—do you need ice?

First time? Let’s just say I’ve been around the block. In my experience, a secret orgy in a Jacobethan manor offers a great opportunity to meet well-connected people.

In fact, I brought business cards, but I’m realizing you don’t have a place to put one. These black silk robes could use some pockets, don’t you think? Professional tip: fanny pack. Yeah, I’ve got all my orgy networking gear right in here:

  • Business cards
  • Condoms
  • Company swag
  • Condoms that are also company swag

To be honest, this music makes introducing myself a little difficult. Who has the aux cord am I right? Usually, I expect some D’Angelo or something similar in this situation. The Gregorian chants really throw a curveball in the mood.

Could you speak up? I can’t hear you over the — Hey guys, I’d love fewer animalistic grunts and more information about what kind of problem areas you experience regarding your key software stack. You see I’m a business consultant and I–

Oh sorry, does that not fit the vibe? I guess all the shouting and dominatrixes (dominatrices?) do distract from the sales pitch.

Sure I’ll take a drink, thanks! Mmm! What is this, lamb’s blood? This stuff really gets the heart pumpin’. Anyways, if you know any cabals of shadowy financiers who might be interested in fintech products, please introduce me.

Thanks for waving some people over! Are these the shadowy folks who control the government? It’s great meeting you all, I’m Jim Gently, I’m an account executive at Oracle.

Damn, this is a nice, tight human circle around me. Are we playing an icebreaker? I’ll start! Two interesting things about me:

I was president of the Phi Beta Kappa society at Bentley and I’m a little claustrophobic, so if you all could stop closing in around me, I’d super appreciate it.

You all want to take me into the back room? I’m honored! I know the biz, that’s where all the big deals go down. Lead the way. Nice heavy door by the way, is that oak? I like the lock on the outside, a nice retro feature.

Wow, I love the art in here, these candid photos of me in parking garages really tie the room together. I’m honored to have made such a good impression on this clandestine sex romp. Love the paintings on the floor too, a pentagram is definitely easier to clean up than a bunch of carpets in an event like this.

If I didn’t feel so welcomed here, I would consider this a threatening situation. That large twisted knife you’ve got there would especially worry–Ahh!

I get it, accidents happen and—ouch—ah, the second knife in my back doesn’t seem like an accident. I know a great ceremonial knife guy if you need a recommendation! Actually, I can see everyone is already flush with ornate weapons.

Before I bleed out, let me refer you to my colleague Kevin. He’s an absolute killer and acts as the resident expert for our government customer portfolio, which I suspect is where we’ll find the best fit here. Let me write down his email.

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