Feb
28
I Am a Public Figure on Instagram
See, you’re a normal person that does normal-person things. Not me though. I’ve always been more of a figure--a figure that does public things.
Feb
28
Human Infant Parenting Tips from the Year 3521
Clear your neural browser cache before interfacing with your child’s subconscious. Good neural hygiene begins in your own prefrontal cortex!
Feb
28
Join Our Pirate Ship as an Unpaid Pirate Intern, and Gain Valuable Experience on the High Seas!
Be there gold? Nay. Be there jewels? Nay. Be there the 2-3 years of experience required of ye to land an entry-level buccaneering position? Aye.
Feb
27
My Personal Statement Applying to Your Grad Program Because I’m 24 and Not Sure What Else to Do
What I love about education is that it provides the unique opportunity to do my homework instead of having to consider any future plans.
Feb
27
The Other People Elizabeth Warren Is Accused of Murdering, Besides Michael Bloomberg
Margaret Thatcher - Notice you haven’t heard a peep from her since April 8, 2013? Women can also be agents of the patriarchy, too, you know.
Feb
27
Stranded on a Tropical Island with My Goop Healing Circle
The food that Goop gave us is almost gone, but we’re not too worried since most of us had planned to reset with cleansing fasts upon our return home.
Feb
26
Let Me Tell You Exactly What We Do at This Company
Our company is multi-faceted, which means we do a multitude of different things. We don’t just have one facet, like other low-achieving companies.
Feb
26
I Am Your Coffee Shop Realtor
My business cards are written on giant chalkboards with a topical joke that changes when I feel like it, and I send all receipts to your email.
Feb
25
Would You All Please Chill Out About My Paperclip Manufacturing Algorithm?
People ask why I need the world’s most powerful artificial intelligence to manufacture a simple product. Obviously, those people aren’t businessmen.
Feb
25
Bad Rent Week? There’s a German Word for That
Fetsfermönee - The act of drafting a tweet about selling pictures of your feet, then deleting it because your mother follows you.
Feb
25
I’m Proud of Forcing My Father out of Retirement to Support My Career as an Influencer
I first had to ask for money after I blew most of our family’s inheritance on boat trips with Kylie Jenner’s second cousin.
Feb
24
Why I’ve Always Been a Bloomberg Supporter Since He Started Paying Me $6,000 a Month
Look at my new MacBook Pro, which was purchased with the Bloombucks Mike sends me simply for writing stuff like “Mike knows how to get things done.”
Feb
24
A Statement from One of the Tennis Balls on Harvey Weinstein’s Walker
Well, there was a court in my future, just not the one I had in mind.
Feb
23
Retirement Planning Tips for the Climate Change Apocalypse
Try investing some of your funds in a planet that isn’t being pushed to the brink of environmental catastrophe.
Feb
23
I’m a Comma-Natrix, and Your Grammar Has Been Very Naughty
Note my proper use of “whom.” “Whom” is also my safe word.
Feb
22
How to Properly Care for Your Newly Adopted Introvert
Bring your Introvert upwards of 50 books per week, as It will devour them. Often, this species builds small huts or thrones with these books.
Feb
22
The Biden 2020 Nevada Pizza Party Is Going Down in Flames
He's targeting young people voting in their first elections, but we have to convince him that “Virgin Voters for Biden” is not how we want to brand.
Feb
21
Space Force Wants You!
The lightweight uniforms of Space Force feature “Drip-Nip Technology©" that can resist water, whether it’s a splashdown or an unexpected “swirly."
Feb
21
Unpopular Options for the iPhone Morning Alarm Sound
Stoned college kids convincing themselves it’s really everyone else who is stoned / A yawn that never ends / Vomit splashing into a toilet
Feb
20
Signs That Your Kid Is Watching Other People’s Kids Do Drugs
Kids need to vent, and it’s likely a normal, natural response to having watched some other parent’s kid do drugs.
Feb
20
Low Ranking Drug Cartel Member or Girl Scout Selling Cookies?
Meet supplier to get product. Supplier got goods from distributor. Distributor doesn’t know you or want to. Don't ask questions, just sell.
Feb
20
An Intervention from Your Rescue Dog
Did you pick me up in a Subaru Outback? Full of NPR tote bags? I’m still a wild animal. And not the kind that’s gonna stop you from having a seizure.
Feb
19
I’m a Serial Killer and Burberry Just Discontinued My Signature Strangling Scarf
With so many murders happening each year, it’s extremely difficult to develop and sustain a calling card that’s distinct.
Feb
19
Unsuccessful Proverbs About Bridesmaids
It’s a bridesmaid-eat-bridesmaid world. / Treat your friends like family and your family like bridesmaids. / Hate the bride, not the bridesmaid.
Feb
19
After Two Years of Emotional Misdirection, I’m Ready to Propose to the Love of My Life
She thinks I forgot what park it was! We walked by it two months ago and she said “Look! Do you remember?” and I said “What?"
Feb
18
Which Cell Block of San Quentin Would You Be Assigned To?
What would you try to make your shiv out of? The sharpened end of a toothbrush, or the sharpened bones of a rat you found in your cell and then ate.
Feb
18
What We Used to Call Him
We used to call him Champ, because he led the basketball team to the championships. Then we called him Let Down, because he missed the winning shot.
Feb
18
My 2020 Self-Care Routine
I read an article called “Ten Reasons Why Crying is Good for You” and shed a few tears. For health reasons. I wonder what, exactly, flavonoids are.
Feb
17
Why Was I Charged with a Felony for Simply Taking Home Some Office Supplies and My Boss’ Bank Account Number?
Nobody in the office will miss their paper clips and pens and you know what? My boss, Mr. Thompson, doesn’t even spend his money anyway.
Feb
17
How to Tell Your Barista You Got a Keurig
Pull your wallet out when paying and flash your cute family photos. Have the last one be a photobooth selfie of you and your Keurig.
Feb
17
Not to Play Devil’s Advocate but Here Is a Factually Incorrect Point
What was I saying? Oh, when you were talking about racism, I agree with that. Well, sort of. I mean I agree that racism used to exist, which is bad.
Feb
16
Romeo and Juliet Respond to an Apartment Listing
Is there a balcony where I can easily repledge my devotion to my true love? There simply must be a balcony.
Feb
15
Kaplan & The Knot Present: LSAT Logic Games Prep, Wedding Edition
Practice Set 1: Seating Chart Chaos: You and your fiance must seat 7 members of your bridal party (all of whom went to college together) at one table.
Feb
14
Kissing Games: The Playtest Notes
All the kisses started to look the same, and I was kind of bored by the time it was my turn. Could each kiss include progressively more tongue? (Oswald)
Feb
14
Valentine’s Day Date Ideas for You and Your Seasonal Affective Disorder
Treat your Valentine to a fancy restaurant just the way it likes: put off making a reservation as long as possible so all restaurants are booked!
Feb
14
How to Fake Your Own Death to Avoid a Multi-Level Marketing Consultant
Gather your family and friends in a Wi-Fi-less underground shelter and give them an envelope disclosing which part of the Andes you’ll be hiding in.
Feb
13
We’re Hiring a Freelance Full-Time Editor!
The ideal candidate would fit in with an ambitious team of Hustlers and Grinders (i.e. tech people and salespeople), who all, weirdly, have benefits.
Feb
13
The Management of the Lakeview Plaza 8-Plex Requests Your Feedback (And Apologizes in Advance for the Toenails)
On a scale of 1 to 10, what the hell are these spots on our seats? Cigarette burns? The management just had these seats reupholstered!
Feb
13
How to Tell if Your Boyfriend Is Really Your Boyfriend, Or a Stray Cat That Followed You in from Outside
Does he sleep between 16-20 hours a day? Does he curl up in a cute little ball in a perfect patch of sunlight to catch some ZZZs?
Feb
12
I’m the Guy Your Uber Drivers Talk to Late at Night
Who could have thought, “Hey, it’s 2:15 AM, time to catch up with Slobodan!” You better believe that’s me on the other end. Every time.
Feb
12
Last Minute Recipe Pitches from My First and Last Day on Our Food Site’s Social Video Team
Super simple baby carrot white bread casserole / Mocha eggplant cheesecake / Sweet salmon sausage scramblinies / Bok choy bread domes
Feb
12
An Extensive Guide to Every Remote Control in Our House
The small remote controls the volume and the tall remote controls the channels. We think that one is under the sink.
Feb
11
I Like My Architectural Design Like I Like My Leaders: Dictatorial
“What has become of our once beautiful nation?” I wondered, disgusted at the angular walls and ceilings that lead the eye into unexpected spaces.
Feb
11
To the Man Selling His Dead Baby’s Shoes
What on earth caused you to decide that the appropriate response to this tragedy was selling your dead baby's shoes in the local newspaper?
Feb
10
Next-Gen Car Features for Generally Irritable Drivers
To keep you safe on long interstate drives, Mother's Gap Lane Assist simulates a choking gasp from your mother’s throat when you veer out of lane.
Feb
10
I Deserve to Be PTA President Even Though I Spent Our Entire Budget on a Magic Globe
The Globe Master pulled a tiny globe the size of a McIntosh apple from under his top hat and asked if I wanted to “go for a spin.”
Feb
10
There Are Some Things You Mustn’t Eat from Your Lounging Chaise in Rome!
I cannot dangle a peach in front of your mouth---the mouth from which all law is spoken to life---as you recline in your chaise.
Feb
9
The Oscars Are About Quality, Not Diversity, and Also Scarlett Johansson Should Have Every Award
Despite ongoing #OscarsSoWhite controversy, it’s important to remember that the Oscars are, as Stephen King pointed out, about quality, not diversity.
Feb
9
2020 Social Media Oscar Winners
Best Direct Message: Brent Stanko for 1:26am Christmas eve message to ex-girlfriend: “Saw you’re home, would love to reconnect!!”
Feb
9
Oscar Presenters: Stop Reading Your Lines!
Your profession revolves around memorizing lines, making them believable, and delivering them to casting directors, audiences, and law enforcement.
Feb
8
Uncut Energy Crystals: Howard Ratner in LA
Not only will the green aventurine win you material success but the Yoni birth mother energy will protect you from any Price Waterhouse trickery.
Feb
8
How Opening Up About Going Gluten-Free Gave Me the Confidence to Bore the Shit out of Everyone I Meet
I owe it to the world to share, and the world owes it to me to shut its bread hole and endure my incessant babble about chickpea pasta.
Feb
7
I’m Thrilled to Announce That REI Is Sponsoring My Dirty Laundry Pile as a Top Climbing Destination
A treacherous, smelly laundry pile mountain with its own micro-ecosystem, flora/fauna/foot fungus found nowhere else, and several documentaries.
Feb
7
Lullabies for the Anxious
Twinkle, twinkle little star, / How I wonder who I are. / I ain’t no saint, or rabbi, / But that don’t make me a bad guy.
Feb
6
The Evolution of Ghosting Over Half a Century
The 1950s: He never calls you again, and you find out from his mom that he got drafted into the Korean War.
Feb
6
Chinese Biophysics Researcher He Jiankui or God?
Most people aren’t comfortable with the genetic modification of life, but He isn’t bothered by what most people think. / He works in mysterious ways.
Feb
6
White Male Startup Seeking Diverse Board Member for IPO
Whatever kind of minority you are, it would be helpful if you could be very visible about your minority status, at least in company photos.
Feb
5
The 50 Stages of Toddler Grief
HUNGER: They will want to eat something blue, but not blueberries. Blue. JOY: You managed to find food that is their favorite color!
Feb
5
Things I Learned Watching the Impeachment Trial
The whole proceeding would benefit from Bachelor-style confessionals. “I don’t care if I was rude. Lindsey has been a bitch to me all day.”
Feb
5
Sticky Notes and Stalkers: A Day in the Life of a Maestro
Don’t forget to tune (short black thing in back/right = oboe) / Start Rehearsal Strong / Say SOMETHING INSPIRATIONAL
Feb
4
I’m Scott Baio and Where the Fuck Is My Shitty Christian Movie?
I spoke at the Republican National Convention for Trump! What more do I have to do to prove that I’ll do literally anything?
Feb
4
17 Absurd Moments from State of the Union History That Make More Sense Than Anything You’ll Hear Tonight
1975 — Gerald Ford, cognizant of new requirements to look good on TV, overdoes his makeup and inadvertently wins an episode of RuPaul's Drag Race.
Feb
4
I Take You to Be My Instagram Husband
We are so blessed to be surrounded by so many awesome brand managers, heads of corporate sponsorships, and marketing coordinators.
Feb
3
Trendy Uses for All Those First Date Red Flags You Ignored
Tapestry: That sure was a big red flag, folded up all nice, when he asked you to meet him in a sketchy part of town around 9pm for your first date.
Feb
3
Now That He’s Gone, I Can Share the Truth of How My Father, Mr. Peanut, Killed My Mother
Growing up, he was a hard legume to love. He showed no emotion, said very little, and was constantly traveling for work.
Feb
3
Excerpt from “Norse Mythology for Bostonians: A Transcription of the Impudent Edda”
Brady: Known as Balder & nicknamed the White or the Beautiful, Brady is the most attractive of the gods, and most popular since he started playing QB.
Feb
2
I Am Your Period Underwear and I Deserve a Goddamn Purple Heart
I was once beautiful. Lacy, soft, and placed with love into your dresser in the coveted spot next to that lavender sachet your grandmother gave you.
Feb
2
13 Things I, a 33-Year-Old Man with Zero Interest in Football, Find More Exciting to Watch at a Super Bowl Party Than the Game
Janice and Mark’s whisper-fights about their upcoming incomplete wedding plans. They’ve been engaged for 7 years now.
Feb
1
Where in the Hell Did Alan Dershowitz Get His Ideas?
“Article II Looks Good On You” (The Journal of Bizarre Constitutional Arguments, December 2012)
Feb
1
Pitchfork Reviews People in My Life
A Woman I Went On Two Great, Early-In-The-Game Dates With: An incredible, staggeringly original human being who just appeared on the dating scene. 9.3
Jan
31
You’re Still My Life Partner, Just Not My Doomsday Prepping Partner
But never did I think while I was pouring over the medicinal properties of deer antler spray, that you were shirking your prepping commitment.
Jan
31
Parent or Broke, Inexperienced, Mediocre, Slightly Unethical, Overworked Public Defense Attorney?
Clients call at all hours night and day. / Spend 92% of day negotiating. / Know a lot of stuff but none of it seems to help when clients are crying.
Jan
31
I, John Bolton, Will Happily Testify about My White House Erotic Fantasy Novela
Mary Anne is a hawkish White House staffer in her late-20s who drafts war plans with Iran which never quite climax, but her sexual plans always do.
Jan
30
Trendy Hairstyles for Owners of Non-Mammalian Pets
Our guide to this season’s hottest hairstyles will have you looking fresher than an aquarium after a water change.
Jan
30
How My Mother Believed I Was Destined to Die as a Teenager
Becoming macaroni and cheese, a lifeless foodstuff, after too many consecutive meals of macaroni and cheese. / Aneurysm upon seeing a boob on HBO.
Jan
30
Sorry I Kicked You Out of the Garden of Eden
In today's social climate, I've learned to not be hasty when judging people because I'm slowly learning that you humans frequently make mistakes.
Jan
29
Famed Explorer Loses Entire Crew at IKEA
Wanting to avoid doing three year's worth of laundry, I shall strike out once again, this time to conquer IKEA.
Jan
29
15 Fascinating Facts about Orthodontists
The orthodontist tends to prey on children and teenagers, but has been known to target those in their twenties, thirties, or even older.
Jan
29
Litter Boxes: How Scooping Clumps Became Part of Normal Life
Of course it was beyond disturbing to me, especially at work, as there were litter boxes in all the conference rooms. And nobody seemed to mind.
Jan
28
When the Facts Change, I’ll Tell You What I Don’t Do: Flip-Flop
My first word was "pasghetti." You can say "spaghetti" all you want, but fact is, I say pasghetti.
Jan
28
Forbes 30 with Under 30 Days to Live
Bruce has been a policeman for 40 years and retires in 27 days. If you know anything about law enforcement, he will certainly die on his last day.
Jan
28
Uh Oh, We Hired an Actual Rock Star for Our Social Media Position
And though he was quite charming over the phone, in-person it was hard not to focus on his exceptionally poor oral hygiene.
Jan
27
I’m the Ugly Sculpture Outside Your Office Building
I know you don’t get me, but there was once a time when people just like you would walk past and think, “Wow. That’s one heck of a sculpture."
Jan
27
Awkward and Uncomfortable Interactions from the Bible
Adam explaining to Eve that he really enjoyed talking to the snake more than her and whether she likes it or not he’s going to Cabo with him.
Jan
27
Job Opening: British Crown Prince, Urgently Hiring
How did you hear about this opening? Indeed, LinkedIn, or National Inquirer?
Jan
26
In My Museum, You Are Not Only Allowed to Touch the Wax Figures, But You Can Also Give Them a Little Kiss and Whisper a Secret in Their Ear
I low-balled a museum in Plymouth into selling me wax statues of sick Pilgrims from their “passengers who didn’t survive the Mayflower” exhibit.
Jan
26
Is No One Going to Mention That Harry Has Cloned Himself?
We must answer the question of how Harry, a man I once saw eat a Skittle off the men’s room floor, conquered the forbidden frontiers of science.
Jan
25
A Valedictorian Speech Composed Entirely of Staircase-Wit Comebacks
I wish I had said that. Instead, I broke into an ugly cry and stumbled from the room, having jammed a big toe on the life-sized skeleton model.
Jan
25
Memo Regarding My Employment at Guilt-Centric Religion of My Childhood, Inc.
Unfortunately, I can no longer continue in my role as Associate Proselytizer, as I disagree with many of the Company's policies and decisions.
Jan
24
TV Critic Reviews Depressive Episode
Despite the strong start, the episode quickly falls into cliche depression troupes, especially when we see Carly’s small studio apartment.
Jan
24
Life Hacks for Safe Driving in the Snow and Ice
An essential precaution against these hazardous situations is making sure that you’re walking back toward your house before getting out on the road.
Jan
23
An Interview with Death, Winner of the Latest Season of “The Great British Baking Show”
Reporter: A rather strange turn of events, what with the death of all the contestants and the show’s top judge, Paul Hollywood's, disappearance.
Jan
23
Places You’ll Be While You’re Thinking About The New York Times’ “52 Places to Go in 2020” List
While Thinking About: The tropical rainforest of Rhukanrhuka, Bolivia. You'll Be: Swearing at the deli rat that scampered off with your last Funyun.
Jan
23
Are Harry and Meghan Canada’s Newest Immigrants?
Your years of unemployment in your home country put you at a distinct disadvantage. And we can find no official immigrant category of “prince.”
Jan
22
I’m Your Local Craft Brewery, And I’m Inviting You to Bring Your Kids Over and Get Hammered in the Daytime
Feel free to make your kids play Connect Four while you pound some Child Hopbandonment, my extra-high-ABV double IPA.
Jan
22
Baby Yoda Running for the DNC, I Am
Linked directly to Climate Change, immigration is. Displaced by imperialist wars like your culture, many orphans have.
Jan
21
Popular Magic Crystals and Their Powers
Amethyst: The Manifestation Stone - Often used by unremarkable white men to get ahead through little to no talent of their own.
Jan
21
Empowering Affirmations for Strength While Doing Laundry at a Public Laundromat
“I am grateful for my talents.” How quickly can you fold laundry before getting hit on? Did someone steal your detergent?
Jan
21
This Week’s Pub Trivia Theme Is My Unjust Firing as Quizmaster
You also get free points if you have advice on what to do when your beloved pet gets evicted from his favorite shelf in a seldom-used closet.
Jan
20
How to Find the Perfect Apartment in Hell
Don’t hesitate. If you see an apartment you like, grab a demon’s pitchfork, stab it in your thigh, and sign in blood immediately.