The following is a shortened transcript of a conversation with our reporter and Death after Death’s victorious win on The Great British Baking Show.
Reporter: Well, that was some victory. Three episodes into the Great British Baking Show and you’ve won the contest. How does it feel?
Death: It feels great, David. I couldn’t believe it, myself.
Reporter: A rather strange turn of events don’t you think? What with the death of all the contestants and the show’s top judge, Paul Hollywood’s, disappearance.
Death: Yes, everyone was shocked, including me.
Reporter: It is pretty wild that a pie could single-handedly take out the competition.
Death: Well, that’s how baking competitions work, David.
Reporter: It’s pretty wild, nonetheless.
Death: Yes, my baking can be quite deadly.
Reporter: No, I was, of course, talking about Charlie’s corn pie, which spread that distressing illness that took out all of your competition.
Death: Oh, right, well you certainly don’t bury the lead, do you? Anyway, I thought you meant my deadly mince pie which took out my competition with a win.
Reporter: No, I meant Charlie’s corn pie. It’s pretty rare to die from salmonella, but then, there you have it. No one could tell that a pie would be so deadly.
Death: Of course that’s the chance one takes when dealing with baked goods.
Reporter: How do you respond to people who suggest you may have taken part in all of your opponent’s deaths?
Death: With threats.
Reporter: How does one deal with such questions of impropriety?
Death: With death threats.
Reporter: Your winning cake was pretty ingenious. How did you put that one together?
Death: One can’t give away one’s secrets, but I will just say one thing: that one bought me the farm.
Reporter: How did you prepare for the competition?
Death: Every morning I would wake up, paddle across the River Styx to purchase baking items, and would work hours into the night perfecting my art. I’d set to work baking, watching TV and drinking till I blacked out.
Reporter: Sounds intense.
Death: Well, that’s the only way to prepare oneself.
Reporter: With drinking?
Death: With practice. After long exhaustive hours, I’d get to work on my education by learning from the greats like Duff Goldman, Anna Olson, and Betty Croker.
Reporter: Betty Croker is not a real person.
Death: I can assure you, she is… well, she was.
Reporter: So you learned from Duff Goldman and Anna Olson.
Death: That I did.
Reporter: Didn’t those bakers recently pass away?
Death: There’s always a consequence when it comes to success.
Reporter: It seems to me like they paid the consequences.
Death: Someone must reap the rewards.
Reporter: What will you do now that you’ve won?
Death: I considered taking up fashion design. I do enjoy Project Runway, so I think I will try that show out.
Reporter: This is your second TV win, isn’t it?
Reporter: What other shows were you a part of?
Death: I was part of the Amazing Race, Survivor, and the short-lived Death Tax.
Reporter: Oh yes, how can we forget about your controversial win of Survivor after the sudden demise of all the contestants from the bubonic plague. A rare occurrence, don’t you think?
Death: That’s the sort of thing you have to take into consideration when naming a show Survivor.
Reporter: Well, that about sums it up here outside the mortuary where the crowning and burial of the contestants are taking place. I will see you all tomorrow with…
Death: Unfortunately, you won’t.
(Death lifts his scythe into view)
Death: I’m afraid before the interview you were struck by a passing motorist. A bit ironic actually, because I was driving a vehicle that looked very much like the one that struck you on this very same road around the time of the incident.
Reporter: Very ironic… Anyway, looks like it’s the end for me. Back to you guys at the studio.