Thank you for coming to babysit on such short notice. We know it’s probably the last thing you want to do on a Friday night and we appreciate it so much. We left out a few instructions so you know where things go around the house.

In the kitchen, we have the small remote. The small remote is gray with green buttons and turns on the kitchen TV. It’s below the bread cabinet, you push the power button on it for the monitor to lower. Don’t get excited and pull the screen down too hard because it’s a $200 TV we got from Menards on sale. The small remote controls the volume and the tall remote controls the channels. We think that one is under the sink.

If you must pee, the bathroom closest to the kitchen has a bidet. We highly recommend this bathroom because of the bidet. There’s a remote to the side of it that control the water pressure if you’re in to that sort of thing. Click the buttons up and down to adjust the spray and side to side to adjust the toilet shaking. The toilet shaking comes with a nice additional button that emits a waterfall every time you poop. Hit the button three times if you want a surprise.

When you’ve put Patrick down and decide not to do your homework, the den has a few different systems that will be tricky to maneuver. The box with the green light to the left of the plasma screen TV is the sound system. Do not lose this remote because it is touch sensitive and will raise the volume to “Max” if dropped between the cushions. Similarly, we have ceiling speakers and the heather gray remote turns on the local newscast. You don’t have to worry about that, though. We haven’t replaced the triple-AAA batteries in over three months. There are a few different types of batteries in the overhead Kitchen cabinets f you're looking for one.

All living room remotes are in the wicker cabinet under the TV. The Apple TV remote turns on the Apple TV and the Roku remote turns on the Roku. The Roku is a small black box with a white light and the Apple TV is a smaller black box with an even smaller white light. They have the same purpose but the buttons are different so make sure the light is blinking on both.

If you open the cabinet to the right of the TV, you should find a bunch of chords and different boxes. The box on top is the Wi-Fi. Sometimes it goes out when you shut the light off so you should make sure the light switch is on. Underneath that is the DVD box. There is a volume, power, and channel remote for this one and it should be labeled in our ornate ottoman.

Patrick will probably want to play a video game at some point in the night. The Wii is on its side above the Dish Cable box. Rock Band drum sticks are in the ottoman. Below the Wii is the PS4, which is password protected. To turn on the PS4, you’ll have to use the large remote that controls the TV. You’ll know which one this is because it looks important looking. The controllers to the PS4 are tucked away behind the plasma screen where Patrick can’t reach them because he has no self control on Red Dead Redemption. The Wii sticks are under the TV as well if you decide to Wii Bowl. The password for the PS4 is the dog’s name.

Before we head out, we should show you how to turn off the lights in the foyer. There're six switches near the front door that control the living room and a remote for the outdoors that turns off the Christmas lights. This is important because if the lights stay on, Patrick will think Santa is here and he’ll keep you up all night. Click the buttons in sequential order to turn off the ornaments, roof, and reindeer lights that are outside. The inside lights have a label that says “inside lights.”

Should anything happen, the neighbor will help you. We tucked her number in the crack of the fold-down kitchen TV. Please do not hesitate to call her. She can also come help with the remotes if you need, as we have given more detailed instructions than the one you see here.

If anything happens, please call us. We will have our phones on us. Our number is on the note in the kitchen underneath the remote. The gray one, not the black one.