On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your experience at the Lakeview Plaza 8-Plex?

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate the friendliness of the staff?

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate the cleanliness of the theater?

On a scale of 1 to 10, aside from the toenails, how would you rate the quality of the concession stand?

On a scale of 1 to 14 (please exclude the number 13—the management is extremely superstitious), how likely do you feel it is that the Lakeview Plaza 8-Plex will still be operating in ten years?

On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely do you think it is that the Lakeview Plaza 8-Plex will burn down in a mysterious fire?

On a scale of 1 to 10, if the Lakeview Plaza 8-Plex were to burn down in a mysterious fire, how likely is it that the fire was started by that creepy kid who’s always loitering down the block, clipping his toenails?

On a scale of 1 to 10, why does that creepy kid keep trying to buy tickets with Australian coins?

On a scale of 1 to 10, what is his deal?

On a scale of 1 to 10, what the hell are these spots on our seats? Cigarette burns? The management just had these seats reupholstered!

On a scale of 1 to 10, who the fuck is smoking cigarettes in our theater?

On a scale of 1 to 10, it’s that creepy kid with the Australian coins, isn’t it?

On a scale of 1 to 10, do you forgive the management for our recent outburst?

On a scale of 1 to 10 are dogs just tiny horses nevermind

On a scale of 1 to 10, how sticky was the floor beneath your seat?

On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely do you feel it is that the stickiness on the floor was caused by spilled soda?

On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely is it that you would be able to tell if that stickiness was caused by soda or, say—just for argument’s sake—blood?

On a scale of 1 to 10, but with unlimited use of fractions, how strong do you feel is the possibility that somebody may have, at one time, died in the very seat you sat in at the Lakeview Plaza 8-Plex? The exact same seat. Right there.

On a scale of 1 to 10, do you think whoever’s blood that is got what was coming to them?

Do you have any other questions, comments, or concerns you would like to share with us? (If your comment is about toenails [big toe] in the popcorn, please see the box office for a complimentary voucher for two tickets to any future morning or afternoon screening. We are aware of the problem and are working on it. If your comment is about toes [entire], please tell the management’s family that we regret nothing—that creepy kid with the Australian coins won’t be bothering anyone ever again.)

The management of the Lakeview Plaza 8-Plex thanks you for your time.


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