Science Officer Bradley D. Mothman
Recruitment Team, U.S. Space Force
Pine Ridge Shopping Plaza
East Rutherford, NJ
Star Date 20389.7
Dear Principal Hardley,
On behalf of the Space Force Recruitment office of Northern New Jersey, I wish to sincerely thank you for allowing me to participate in “Future Careers Night” at Warren G. Harding Academy for the Gifted and Talented. It was a pleasure to interact with such an enthusiastic student body, along with your inquisitive and highly-opinionated faculty. I would like to especially note my appreciation to Field Hockey Coach Marjorie Sternum for her impromptu demonstration of your “Bullies—Back Off!” campaign.
Between us men, if I may suggest, Coach Sternum was unduly concerned for my safety when she witnessed the fun-loving horseplay that often takes place between myself and my recruitment friends from the Army, Navy and Marine Corps. There was no need for her to worry, however, since the lightweight, Lycra uniforms of Space Force feature Space Age, “Drip-Nip Technology©” which can resist water in almost any situation, whether it’s a space-capsule splashdown or an unexpected “swirly” in the boys’ bathroom. In any event, all of this good-natured fun ended when Coach Sternum placed a headlock on Marine Corps Master Sgt. “Tank” Lowder and, I must say, it worked like a Vulcan Nerve Pinch!
Semper Fi, Coach Sternum!
As promised, I am including in this package a number of MAGA caps, Space Force comic books, and Zero Gravity pencils which you may distribute to your students. I could only secure 37 replica Tricorders, however. (As I explained on Career Night, an actual, functioning Tricorder is still in development here at Space Force). Also in limited supply are the “We Need More Power!” phone chargers, packages of “Mr. Spock, Extra Large Q-Tips,” and asthma inhalers embossed with the Space Force insignia.
I also took note of the giveaway suggestions offered by your students. During my speech, I believe I heard the boys chanting from the back of the auditorium, “Space Force Trucks! Space Force Trucks!” but these, too, are still in development. Sorry!
Many of the boys and girls were also interested in whether Space Force has a manual showing how to make the “Live Long and Prosper” hand salute that we use here at Space Force. I am afraid there is no such training manual so all I can say is “Practice! Practice! Practice!”
On a side note, I have not yet received any entries for our poster contest, “Why I Want to Join Space Force.” Please remind the students that the grand prize is a tour of the Space Force Recruitment Center here at Pine Ridge Plaza along with a copy of “Way Out There!” a history of the U.S. Space Force by Fox News Correspondent Chet Fawner.
Speaking of publications, I was a little disappointed by the article (“Space Force Flies Like a Wounded Duck”) that appeared in the student newspaper following my visit. Perhaps we could schedule a meeting with the faculty adviser to discuss the sarcastic remarks and flippant tone of this article? (For the record, my middle name is Dwight, not ‘Dweeb.’)
Learning is one of the primary missions of Space Force (“To seek out new worlds and new civilizations,” as President Trump stated in his Twitter address to the nation last September). The first and perhaps most important thing for our young people to know is that Space Force is not just some pipe dream and, in fact, our first mission into space (or, at least, high altitude) should be ready no later than August of 2035.
In the meantime, let’s all remember to “Countdown to Splashdown!”
Yours in Space,