Members of the Walker Township District Parent-Teacher Association, I come to this, our monthly meeting with open ears and an open heart. Many of you feel I, Lori Keck, PTA President have betrayed your trust by spending the entire school year’s budget on a single item, but I am here to defend my decision. I am not ashamed, heck, I am even proud that I spent $78,934 on a magic globe.

Six weeks ago, I was picking up my laundry from Dover Dry Cleaner’s when a mysterious gentleman in a velveteen cloak swept out from behind the Baskin Robbins. He introduced himself as The Globe Master doing a very elaborate spinning dance. I would attempt to replicate it, but honestly, you kind of had to be there.

The Globe Master pulled a tiny globe the size of a McIntosh apple from under his top hat and asked if I wanted to “go for a spin.” To be perfectly frank, I was just in it for the attention of a handsome stranger. Rupert’s been spending most of his time in the garage with his homemade radios and the undivided attention of a man, even one wearing a top hat covered in felt continents was a real win.

Yes, Ken, I am getting to the globe. I need to set the scene to make you understand this man’s incredible globular charisma.

What you all need to understand is this wasn’t a normal globe. As he spun it, I placed a finger smack dab in the middle of Russia. I was immediately transported to a Siberian wasteland. I could feel the harsh winds and hear the baying of wolves in the distance. When I removed my finger I was back in the parking lot, staring at a sign for Baskin Robbins’ Polar Pizza. The Globemaster then took my hand and we were transported to his Globiary.

Sure Sandra, The Globiary is that big circular building behind the Dollar General. It doesn’t make it any less magical.

Anyway, within his Globiary he has thousands of perpetually spinning globes of every size and only one shape. I was immediately drawn to a gold embossed globe the size of a beach ball. Like one of the big ones that kids win at the spring carnival and end up popping to scare the dog. I touched it and was on a Caribbean Beach. Out of the water came The Globe Master. We made love on the sand. When we were done, he offered to sell me the globe for $78,934. In a wash of post-coital bliss, I didn’t really consider how he knew the exact amount of money in the PTA’s bank account All I knew is I needed to buy that globe.

I know we had planned to purchase updated textbooks, but I think this magic globe is going to teach our kids more than any textbook. We won’t have to jam the little hooligans on a bus to see the Peanuts That Look Like Presidents Museum, but they can go straight to Capitol Hill. Even members of the PTA can use it. Paris, Venice, Sydney. Take that honeymoon your husband has been promising for ten years once he perfects his homemade HAM radio.

My vice president, Fran McDaniels, has called for my impeachment and she promises to return the globe and get our money back. And I say I’ve already tried that. I returned to The Globiary to find it vacant and midway through being turned into a TJ Maxx. No one in town has heard of The Globe Master and I really want to track him down because I am six weeks pregnant.

All right, I can see when an entire gymnasium of parents is screaming for my resignation. I will leave, but I’m taking the magic globe with me. If you need me, I’ll be scouring the globe in search of my one true love The Globe Master, hoping to tell him of my pregnancy and ascend to my rightful place as Mistress Of Globes. Or I’ll be at The Baskin Robbins trying that ice cream pizza. Sure to be an equally magical experience.