Can you please explain these charges? I have a right to know why I’m being charged with a felony. Look, I know you think office supplies shouldn’t be taken home. I get it. But was it really such a crime to take home a stapler, some pens, and my boss’ bank account number? Why is this such a big deal?

I don’t agree with theft. I think stealing is a sin, but what I’m doing is not stealing. It’s harmless. Sometimes it’s even charitable. So many of my coworkers complain about how messy their cubicles have become. Well guess who’s here to take a few extra highlighters off Jeff’s hands, or some family pictures off of Nicole’s desk, or a wallet out of Max’s pocket?

It’s no coincidence my nickname around the office is Mr. Clean. Sure, it’s the nickname I gave myself and technically nobody has called me it without first saying “Do I really have to call you Mr. Clean?” and “Can you please just give me my stuff back?” But it’s been a huge hit either way.

The truth is, nobody in the office will miss their paper clips and pens and you know what? My boss, Mr. Thompson, doesn’t even spend his money anyway, at least that’s what his suits tell me. That’s a burn. Taking a pay stub off his desk is no different than taking home one of his post-it notes or one of his golf clubs or his son’s dioramas. Oh and also numbers are free. What even separates a bank account number from a random sequence of any other numbers?

Mr. Thompson has told me several times that I need to be more careful about what I take home and that he refuses to call me anything other than my actual name, which at this point I barely even remember what it was. He’s one to talk. Something you should never do is use the office printer for your personal needs. It’s despicable. Ink ain’t cheap and for Mr. Thompson to have the nerve to print out his daughter’s book reports or tickets for his wedding anniversary trip to Hawaii, that’s just unforgivable.

I hate hypocrisy. If Mr. Thompson can use the printer for personal reasons, then I don’t see why he’s trying to stop me from using his bank account number for personal reasons, which mostly involve funding my second hair transplant.

OK fine, I’ll admit it. I also use the printer at work, but it's for printing my awesome photoshopped pictures. I’m sorry, but if that’s a crime then what else is a crime? Using your work laptop to photoshop images of what you’ll look like after your hair transplant to put on your dating profile? Taking home that same printer? Are those crimes? If so, you might as well arrest me right now.

Anyway, I’ll be disregarding these charges because I've done nothing wrong. If you’re making such a big deal over office supplies and a flimsy bank account number what’s next, arresting me for taking home some pencils, two plane tickets to Hawaii, and a 4th grader's book report? Give me a break.

Oh and officers, can the record show that my name is Mr. Clean and not that other name you wrote?