Swept off high balcony by catastrophic engineering flaw in seemingly sturdy guardrail.

Becoming macaroni and cheese, a lifeless foodstuff, after too many consecutive meals of macaroni and cheese.

“Snatched up” in a Target and harvested for organs.

Ritually sacrificed by acquaintance who has a tattoo.

Zombification via marijuana.

Expiring from failure after sending in college applications too late.

Internal bleeding from thunderous bass of “the gangster music.”

Pulverized by 3-foot plummet from barstool while standing on it to change a lightbulb.

Aneurysm upon seeing a boob on HBO.

Cranial explosion upon seeing a pair of boobs on HBO.

Early onset Alzheimer’s from playing “game boy,” i.e. any video game console, including a graphing calculator.

Disintegrated from g-force of being behind the wheel of a motor vehicle and pressing the accelerator.

Catching death outside on a cold day.

Electrocuted until skeleton is visible beneath skin after plugging standard appliance into electrical socket.

Drowned from submersion in water 2 or more feet deep.

Rapid onset liver disease from half-consumed can of Miller Light.

Wasting disease due to skipping breakfast.

Contraction of Ebola-like STD after talking to a girl with the bedroom door closed.

Spontaneous combustion upon traveling beyond a 1-mile radius from home.


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