Swept off high balcony by catastrophic engineering flaw in seemingly sturdy guardrail.
Becoming macaroni and cheese, a lifeless foodstuff, after too many consecutive meals of macaroni and cheese.
“Snatched up” in a Target and harvested for organs.
Ritually sacrificed by acquaintance who has a tattoo.
Zombification via marijuana.
Expiring from failure after sending in college applications too late.
Internal bleeding from thunderous bass of “the gangster music.”
Pulverized by 3-foot plummet from barstool while standing on it to change a lightbulb.
Aneurysm upon seeing a boob on HBO.
Cranial explosion upon seeing a pair of boobs on HBO.
Early onset Alzheimer’s from playing “game boy,” i.e. any video game console, including a graphing calculator.
Disintegrated from g-force of being behind the wheel of a motor vehicle and pressing the accelerator.
Catching death outside on a cold day.
Electrocuted until skeleton is visible beneath skin after plugging standard appliance into electrical socket.
Drowned from submersion in water 2 or more feet deep.
Rapid onset liver disease from half-consumed can of Miller Light.
Wasting disease due to skipping breakfast.
Contraction of Ebola-like STD after talking to a girl with the bedroom door closed.
Spontaneous combustion upon traveling beyond a 1-mile radius from home.