Our actions are immaterial, and nothing we do has consequences.

You’re only allowed to watch impeachment hearings for 20 minutes at a time before you’re legally obligated to mute it and turn on Raiders of the Lost Ark.

If Adam Schiff and Barak Obama started a podcast called “Two Guys, Speaking at Their Own Pace,” I would listen to it. Alternately, I would pay a whole lot of money to take a class taught by the pair titled, “Finding the Music in Your Voice: Talking with Cadence.”

The Senate is in cahoots with Big Milk.

Listening to old white men yell at me really decreases my sex drive.

Chief Justice Roberts has a sweet gig. All he has to do is read questions and be mean to Rand Paul.

Questions are just things you ask to encourage people to say the things you already think. “I think I’m amazing and deserve a Netflix show, talk about how you agree with me?”

I wonder if senators carve that cool pointy “S” symbol into their desks like I did when I was in high school.

I could never be Steven Colbert because politics are boring.

The whole proceeding would benefit from Bachelor-style confessionals. “I don’t care if I was rude. Lindsey has been a bitch to me all day.”

The proceedings should resort to 1-vs-1 physical challenges to determine witnesses.

Our constitution protects our rights to shoot whomever we want as well as to anonymously attack strangers on twitter at any time or for any reason, and everything else is up for debate.

Our government is stupid.

I hate everything.

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